Welcome to One-derland!

Goodness.  So much time has past since my last entry. 

First of all, Happy Blogaversary!  This blog started out as a way to chronicle my journey with doctor appointments and remind me of where I came from.  It has turned out to be much more cathartic than I had every imagined.  Much like what this weight loss surgery has become as well.

The continual question I am asked is, "How do you feel?"

I feel GREAT!  I am not going to pretend that I don't have "fat girl" and "Prozac girl" days, I do.  But overall, knowing where I have come from to where I am now, I can easily say I am happy, indeed. Happiness comes in all forms, and always has.  Lately my happiness stems from falling in love with myself.  I have a very long way to go, but each and every day, I find something about myself that I like.

If you recall, one of my posts said "I didn't know I wasn't happy, until I was happy."  This is the biggest reason why I am starting to like myself.  I am so very aware of how I used to be and am even more cognizant of how I am now.  I am truly trying hard every day to be as positive of a person as I can for Anne Marie.  Little dramas are no longer life altering.  I think my quote as of late is, "It's not that deep."  If something didn't go my way before, I  would literally harp on it, gossip about it, be sad or mean about it.  Now, it's not that deep!  I find myself rooting more for the underdog instead of kicking them down.  I find myself being more rational about things.  I find myself saying, "if it makes you happy, go for it."  Who am I to get in the way of anyone's happiness.  Who am I to judge another's way of life. 

I am finding myself looking at some people, mostly obese girls, and sympathizing with them.  I so badly want to share my story with them. I know a few that I see the old me in.  They don't know they are miserable.  They don't know that their misery is affecting the people around them.  What I do know is that it's their journey and their path.  No one can make anyone look at themselves in the mirror and see what we see.

Let's talk about some real shit here. I'm 5 months post op.  Down 98 pounds.  Mentally feeling pretty great.  Physically looking my best.  Sadly, their are some consequences to rapid weight loss.  Sagging skin.  Just terrible. I am definitely dealing with vanity issues.  Inside of my thighs are highly unplesant to look at, my underarms are what I call my "bat wings", and my hair...Oh goodness, my hair!   For months now, I've been shedding a lot of hair in the shower. I knew lack of protein could lead to hair loss but I thought it wasn't that bad.  Two weeks ago I really noticed.  I had gone to get my hair cut and my stylist asked if I wanted more layers since my hair was so thin.  I laughed.  really laughed.  Me, with thin hair???  The next day, I was straightening my hair and really noticed what she was talking about.  I wasn't sure which way to part my hair to hide what was now very clear to me.  I had very thin hair in the front and quite frankly, seeing my scalp was freaking me out.  I obsessed about it all day.  I reached out to my sister who suggested a Nioxin treatment, to which I ordered immediately.  I've doubled up on Biotin every day, started using Nioxin hair care, significantly upped my protein intake, and within just a couple days noticed a difference.  The bonus to upping my protein intake is that it kick started my metabolism again. In just a few days, I had finally gotten to my goal of being under 200 pounds.  I weighed in at 199!  As a friend who underwent the same surgery said to me, "Welcome to ONE-derland."

This journey has had it's ups and downs. But mostly ups.  I have to say, I am having fun becoming a girl.  New clothes.  Wearing make-up. Taking pride in my appearance every day. Flirting. FLIRTING!  I never realized how much fun flirting can be.

Flirty eyes! (Notice the thin thin hair here)

Flirty face! (Hair is getting back to my likeness)

Not sure I call this a flirt face at all! (Thicker hair though!)

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 198

Total lost: 98 pounds 

I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy

A year ago, I sat in a room with other obese people, learning about 3 different types of bariatric procedures.  I knew going in what I needed to have done, and walked out with the appointment to meet the surgeon.  A decision that would change my life.

TimeHop is a fun app that brings back pictures, posts, and such from your social media platforms from 1-7 years ago.  This week the pictures I took from sitting in the group session popped up.  I don't think sitting in that room then hit me like it does when I see the pictures now.  Some of the information is just stunning.

Patients who have undergone Gastric Sleeve Surgery have had...
72-98% GERD resolved (THAT'S ME!)
52-92% Hypertension resolved (THAT'S ME!)
82% Cardiovascular Disease risk reduction (THAT'S ME!)
74-98% Obstructive Sleep Apnea resolved (THAT'S ME!)
55% Depression resolved (THAT'S ME!)

Also, Asthma, Urinary Incontinence, Degenerative Joint Disease, Gout, Type II Diabetes, among many others resolved!

The biggest one, the one that counts the most....QUALITY OF LIFE improved in 95% of patients. (THAT'S ME!)

I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy.  Seriously.  I look back a year ago at some genuinely happy times in my life.  It was an act.  I was putting on a brave front pretending I was happy in my skin and with my life.  I know now, I was not happy.  I know this by how I feel now.  People say I have a glow about me.  I think they are right.  I am certainly in a euphoric state of mind.  Things happen around me that are fairly shitty but I'm not letting anything burst my bubble. Ask me about my finances and I'll shrug my shoulders and tell you that there are more important things in life than what's in the bank.

This weight loss has really put me into a state of being that I never knew I could have.  I am one pound away from 90 pounds lost.  (Hopefully my morning I will have lost that pound, lol).  90 fricking pounds!  It's mind boggling to me.  Truly.  I can breath.  I sleep without Horton, my CPAP machine. I don't mind walking.  My joints aren't swollen.  My body doesn't ache.  All of those things held me back and infringed on my quality of life.   The only thing that I can foresee will get in my way down the road, if it isn't beginning to already, it my sagging skin.  Luckily, my stomach isn't awful yet.  But it will be.  Currently, my sagging arms are something that I would like to hide and my thighs now have use for a girdle to suck me in.  However, I continually remind myself that the whole reason for the surgery was to live a longer life.  Mortality has an 89% reduction in 5 year mortality. So, not only will I live longer, I will live better!

Starting weight: 296
Current weight: 207
Total lost: 89 lbs

BMI was 50.1

BMI is now 35.5! I am still in the obese category but I getting closer to the lower category of "overweight."  I'll take it!

Wearing size 16/18 (from 24/26) and love Wal-mart Jeggings!

^^not my ass but you get the point!

Down 80!

I can't remember the last time I was this "light."  College maybe? Freshman year? It's funny how being that fat in college and weighing the same now being told I look great.  Isn't it interesting?  It's also interesting how great I feel at 215 now but how miserable I was then at the same weight.  Is it age? It it cause I got so close to 300 that 215 feels skinny?

Whatever the answers, I'm feeling on top of the world. Financial woes aside (who doesn't), I have a lot going for me right now.  I truly feel the encouragement from people around me and it's the most motivating. I know I've said it before but I truly mean it. I'm glad I did the surgery and I did it for the right reasons. To live.  Everything else that has come with it is truly icing on the cake. Quick, someone remind me what icing on a cake tastes like!

I'm doing better with ensuring I eat.  String cheese is a go to item for me, as are veggie crisps. I've also started generic protein bars now that I have a better tolerance for nuts and solids. Smarts ones has a lot of TV dinners that are high protein and low in calorie and also don't taste like freezer burn. That's a plus!  We are told not to use straws but I've been getting green tea lemonade a lot from Starbucks and I simply need the damn straw. The thing is, when I drink a tall beverage with a straw I wind up consuming more liquids throughout the day which is good for me.

http://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/why-not-to-drink-from-a-straw-after-gastric-bypass-surgery.html

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 215

81 pounds lost so far!  16 pounds to go for my Christmas goal!

Self confidence at an all time high

When I started this journey I was adamant that I was just doing it to stay alive.  I didn't care how much weight I lossed or what I would look like (other than old!) rather it was about getting off blood pressure meds.  I had no expectations of what has happened to my spirit since my belly surgery.

Where do I begin to catch you up?....

How about my physical transformation?

December 2014 vs October 2015

October 2014 vs October 2015

Until this current photo was taken, I had no real concept of how much I lost.  I saw it in my face. I saw it on the scale. This before/during photo...shit got real!

I posted this picture on FB a week ago and I cannot begin to describe the love that was bestowed on me.  I knew I was fortunate with the amazing people I have met in my life. I just didn't know how damn loved I was.  I know everyone likes a good success story and I'm honored to fulfill the newsfeed with something great! Cause you know what, what I have done is great! In choosing to share my journey, I have begun to help others that are curious to investigate surgical intervention to help in weight loss.  I have promised through and through to remain raw and honest.  I haven't held back from a single person that has asked. This was a scary decision but a decision I knew I had to make. It's not for everyone but it was for me!

Some more milestones have been achieved!

I rode on my first roller coaster in god knows how long!  Not only did i fit in the seat, I didn't have to use the wider seats at all.  I rode every ride and can't wait to ride more.  It wasn't the coasters that blew my mind, it was all the walking.  I think we walked the park a full 3 times only sitting when on a ride. I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't tired. I wasn't the fat girl who can't do anything anymore.  I now have ambition to do more physical things. Maybe a 5k? 

My self image is at an all time high.  I am enjoying my friends and family seeing my transformation and supporting me.  I haven't gotten a single look yet that made me feel uncomfortable. You know the look I'm talking about, the one sick people get, or the one you get when someone feels bad for you.  Everyone has been so extremely generous and kind.  In fact, so much so that I've been able to believe that I deserve goodness in life.  I love to look at myself in the mirror and weighing myself every day.  Its small victories really.  These victories led me back to the dating world. Currently spending time with a special guy and enjoying the getting to know you process of young relationships. At the very least, this relationship is allowing me to feel good and desirable and to top it off, believe it too.

Food update! It's cheep chicken Monday at acme where you can get an 8 piece for $6.99.  I haven't had any fried foods but I figured I could peel the skin.  I was only able to eat half a chicken breast and it barely got down. Sadly, I drank water to help get it down and got sick.  Normal problem but one I hate.  So still need to eat slow and steady.

Anywho, I now know that I want and I CAN get under 200 pounds. Can I get there by Christmas is the question?

*photo taken 4 pounds ago!!!

Starting weight 296

Current weight 221

75 pounds down!!

The journey continues...

I realize it's been a while since my last update. It's been just a mundane couple of weeks.  Weight loss slowed down a bunch but had a lot to do with lack of exercise.  

Today, I went to my final post op appt (another one in six months but just general check up) and really had to face some issues out loud.  The numbers on the scale are great! Really! 61 pounds down since my journey began. I've always said I don't have a number goal, I just want to feel good.  Well, I don't feel as good as I should.  You see, if I rest followed the program, I would be closer to 75 pounds down by now.  

Honestly, the easy part was electing for surgery and going through with it.  The hard part is still in front of me like a baracade.  I need to get around it.  In order to beat the challenge I must slow down when I eat. Even though I only get 3-4 bites of food down at a sitting, I need to really take the time to eat, chew, and digest.  Those 4 bites should take 30 minutes to consume.  I also need to get up off my ass (or lack there of) and exercise. I've been using the excuse of losing my job, selling my house, and having depression as to why I haven't been exercising.  I don't have excuses anymore. I'm back to work, I need to get serious.  I have the cutest pup in the world and he deserves to be walked and tuckered out all while I get moving!

Not all is lost however.  I have a few milestones I would like to share!

First...I can finally get my fingers to touch around my wrist.

(pardon the man hands!)

Another small victory, I can wrap a regular sized bath towel around my body!   Granted there is a little peep show happening still, but the point is I can tuck it around and it stays! Like I said, small victory but a victory none the less.

Officially, my clothes are too big. But, I will continue to wear what I have until I have an income to shop. I'm actually really excited to go to Goodwill!

For those considering surgery, I still say go for it!  It's a mental beast but worth it. I'm now on regular foods as long as I can handle things.  I still stay away from most carbs.  Pasta doesn't really go down well for me, so that's a plus.  I'm testing things out as I go.  Sadly, a slice of pineapple gave me heartburn but watermelon was awesome! I'm sticking up on different varieties of frozen dinners.  It's not ideal but as a single gal, it's cheap and practical.  Budget meals are $1 each and Lean Cuisines are like $2.50 . I select high protein ones to get my daily intake.  I also really enjoy Veggie Stix as an alternative to chips.  They give you lots of your daily veggie allowance and also a serving is huge!  Premier Protein drinks are still part of my daily routine as well.

Current weight 235

Starting weight 296

Sip, sip, sip

I'm starting to hate water. As much as I crave it, I'm really beginning to hate it.  You see, you constantly need to sip through the day.  Keep hydrated.  Keep digestion moving.  64 ounces a day.  Sounds simple, but I have no room!!  

The hardest task with liquids this far is being told you cannot drink 30 minutes before or after you eat.  I simply cannot bide by this rule.  I must have a swig of water to finalize my meal at the very least!   And when I say meal, I'm being extremely generous.  What I really mean is my quarter cup of scrambled eggs or my quarter cup of ricotta cheese mixed with some sauce to appeal to the Italian in me.

Earlier this week I started blending my vanilla protein shakes with berries to get more of a milkshake concept. This actually worked for me.  Filled me up and gave me the sense of living on the edge! Only kidding! It was tasty though!  I need to figure out more ways to be inventive. I know it's nothing new to most. We are Smoothie Nation these days.  I refuse to drink kale or spinach! No way, no how!

Earlier this week I started to try different things like fish or hard boiled eggs to get my protein.  My body did not like the egg.  I'm still on the puréed process but my nutritionist gave me the ok to eat some softer items as long as they were really small.  I pushed the envelope with that egg.  It was the second time is a week that I experienced "dumping syndrome."

http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/dumping-syndrome-causes-foods-treatments

It's been a learning process for sure.  The biggest lesson is that I need to do what the doctors tell me and not rush anything. 

The plus side, with getting real foods in me with protein, like the fish I ate yesterday, I was able to give enough energy to my body to enforce more weight loss.  You see, I wasn't getting much food in as I was full on water.  Therefore, my weight loss slowed down.  This morning, I happily woke up to 4 more pounds down!

^remember, I'm unemployed so don't judge the lack of pedi!

Current weight: 238

Starting weight: 296

Weight lossed: 58

Milestones and Two Week follow up with my Doc!

The past two weeks have presented me with many many small victories.  Victories I didn't even know I wanted. If you recall, I mentioned wanting to fit back into my ring. Victory!

Some more milestones over the past two weeks...

*Lost 50 pounds since I started my weight loss diet (was probably all the weight I gained from my food funerals!)

*There is now about five inches from my belly to the steering wheel 

*I am down two pants sizes

*My knees touch when I sleep causing me to need a pillow cause it kinda hurts 

*I can cross my legs!

The biggest achievement came today at my two week check up.  I had been really lethargic the past week.  When I stood up from laying down I would get extremely dizzy.  If I bent over to pick something up I would be dizzy when I came back up.  When at my appointment, I mentioned this and immediately the nurse said, it's my blood pressure medication.  From the rapid weight loss, taking two prescriptions isn't necessary.  My BP was 105/59. LOW!!!  So tomorrow, I won't take Losartan any more.  Then get checked in a week to see if my other medication can be lowered.  I've had high BP since I was 15 years old.  I was put on meds about two years ago. It was last year's medication increase that prompted me to seek gastric surgery.

I had posted a blog on surgery day.  In it, I had asked people to send me snail mail.  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifting it has been to hear from people from all chapters of my life.  Postcards, notes, words of wisdom, and jewelry!  I would name everyone but fear to leave someone out. If you are one of the angels to take the time to message me, THANK YOU!  What it did for my spirit is beyond measure.

^from Raymond Carter, very poetic!

^words of encouragement from the lovely Maureen Fisher

For those who are curious about how I am feeling...Great!  Getting to my 64 ounces a day has been a struggle.  My nutritionist wasn't pleased but I did better today. I still have a problem with eating too quick.  Essentially I am able to eat 4 ounces at a time but I'm eating within 5 minutes.  I need to be able to stretch it out over 30 minutes. I don't think I've ever taken that long to eat.  This will be the thorn in my side, for sure!

Starting weight 296, Current weight 243