Today was probably the toughest day I have had in this whole journey. I'm not sure what's going on with me emotionally but it came to a head today. An eruption of tears the entire day. 209 lbs. that is was I weighed in. I knew it would be 5 lbs higher than at home, but still!
I had my follow up appointment today with my surgeon. Or so I thought. He wasn't there. Actually, the entire time of my year long journey, I think I was with Dr. Wernsing a total of 60 minutes. And that includes the 45 minutes he did my surgery. No joke. With my emotions being the way they've been, I really needed his support today. I know he really is just a businessman doing his job, but he is the magician that got me here. I guess it's not a big deal, but it felt like the patriarch wasn't at family dinner. And where I come from, my Pop is everything.
My appointment today was spent mostly with my nutritionist. It was the most eye opening meeting I have had to date. I've posted on several occasions my new indulgences: string cheese and Veggie Stix. Today, I was slapped with some facts. My string cheese "addiction' has contributed to an unhealthy increase in my B12 levels. Although I don't have to cut out cheese, I do have to reduce my intake. I can have my 2 in the morning with my cup of coffee. Yes, a strange breakfast indeed.
My crack for the past few months also needs to take a hike. Veggie Stix. They aren't vegetables! Instead, I need to actually start eating raw veggies like carrots, cucumbers, and celery. As much as I've indulged in Veggie Stix, what I learned was that it was a replacement for my previous binge eating pre-surgery. If you've hung out with me over the past few months, you wouldn't have seen me without a bag of them. I was even gifted a case of individual snack bags from my bestie cause he knew I loved them so much. Nicole, my nutritionist, actually told me that I was sabotaging myself by eating them. I woke up. Right then, I woke up. That word. "Sabotage." It stings. Now, am I cured? Absolutely not. But it was then that I realized, I am not any better than I was pre-op. The euphoria has worn off. And as reality set in, my old demons came back. Food is still my addiction. It just changed. I can't eat anything like I used to, but I'm still putting in food in excess. Nicole is truly great at what she does. She is real with me. Doesn't preach. Throws the ball back in my court to take responsibility for my results.
Good news: my BP is normal, my triglycerides are normal, my iron is normal. Three things that were killing me before.
Why the tears today? I don't know. I will be seeing my primary and talking that out. Maybe I need a meds adjustment to start. Nicole also suggested I seek a therapist to try and help me re-wire my brain. Help me address some outstanding issues I have with food and exercise and MEN. I should write a separate blog just for that! I think the biggest thing that got the river flowing today was feeling like I failed myself. I had been on such a good path and things just halted. Realizing that it was my fault from how I was eating really took a toll on me.
I know this post is a bit dis-jointed but I needed to jot shit down from today. I do know that I have people out there following this blog and taking their own weight loss journey. I promised to always be real. So, a couple tidbits of advice that I can give now that I know what I know...
*Go to your nutritionist classes pre-surgery and don't cheat like I did.
*Visit your primary frequently to keep your meds in check.
*Don't replace one food addiction with another. Follow the post-op diet!
*Don't date unavailable men! (Sneaked that one in there!)
I can say for certain the Retail Therapy is real and it helps! After my tear-jerker of a day, I went and got a bunch of new clothes that I can't wait to sport with my 90 less pounds body.
I would also like to thank the many wonderful people who sensed my disappointment today and reached out via text or post. Your kindness was felt today. I can honestly say that I'm on the up and up. I think I needed today. I had to be checked, ya know? I am humbled to still be me. I also know that old me that's reared her head, I didn't miss. I'm very much interested in finding happy all the time Anne Marie again. She was cool as shit!
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
6 month check up tomorrow!
I don't really know what I'm reading, but my blood work came back today. Just in time for tomorrow's appointment. And although I don't know what I'm reading, everything is in the normal range.
I'm normal!!!
Other than Iron, I think everything looks ok, right???? Well, tomorrow I find out for sure by the professionals!
Sadly, I have to get on the scale. I know I'm gonna be bummed with my number. At home, I'm 202. 4 lbs higher than my lightest reporting. I really wanted to be 100 down by this appointment. Their scale is always 5 lbs higher than mine. So I assume I'll weigh in around 208.
Just got myself a Fitbit. Also got myself a puppy sling so I can carry the mutt around. Hoping I get some motivation to be outside. Start walking. Doing activities. I just know I'm at a standstill.
7 months post op and the euphoria has gone. I'm not in the happy bubble anymore. I enjoy getting dressed in new clothes. I still look at my body for any new changes. But that crazy, giddy girl that I was falling in love with seems to have gone. I'm thinking its time to go to a group session for post op patients. Get some perspective. I'm ok that I'm not losing weight. I never did it for the number. I did it to live. But that "alive" feeling that I had several months post surgery isn't really here anymore. I'm not sure if it's a post op thing or simply a "I'm almost 40" thing. I kinda think it's more of the latter.
The advice I can give my "readers" about to go through this life change, stay busy. I think I had such distractions post op that got me through and kept me mentally feeling great. Now, I'm done working on my passion project. I'm in a job that isn't fulfilling me like it used to. And I'm dating men that are still terrible for me. On top of that, single, no kids, and about to lose my house. Hence, why I desperately want that euphoria back!
Unlike my other posts, this is kind of a downer. But believe me, I'm better off now than a year ago. There is only going up (or down on the scale) from here!
One thing that nearly 100 pound weight loss has done for me...I'm getting back on stage. For one night only, I'm gonna sing with a couple friends in a cabaret for a company that I own! Is this for real??? Been 5 years since I've been on stage and even then it was a fluke. I'm hoping that tomorrow's Doctor apportionment and Saturday cabaret give me the positive vibes that I need to get through until the big 4-0 in August.
If you're around, come be entertained by me. Either I'll sound good, or I'll screw up enough that it'll be hilarious! Entertainment indeed!
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