I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy

A year ago, I sat in a room with other obese people, learning about 3 different types of bariatric procedures.  I knew going in what I needed to have done, and walked out with the appointment to meet the surgeon.  A decision that would change my life.

TimeHop is a fun app that brings back pictures, posts, and such from your social media platforms from 1-7 years ago.  This week the pictures I took from sitting in the group session popped up.  I don't think sitting in that room then hit me like it does when I see the pictures now.  Some of the information is just stunning.

Patients who have undergone Gastric Sleeve Surgery have had...
72-98% GERD resolved (THAT'S ME!)
52-92% Hypertension resolved (THAT'S ME!)
82% Cardiovascular Disease risk reduction (THAT'S ME!)
74-98% Obstructive Sleep Apnea resolved (THAT'S ME!)
55% Depression resolved (THAT'S ME!)

Also, Asthma, Urinary Incontinence, Degenerative Joint Disease, Gout, Type II Diabetes, among many others resolved!

The biggest one, the one that counts the most....QUALITY OF LIFE improved in 95% of patients. (THAT'S ME!)

I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy.  Seriously.  I look back a year ago at some genuinely happy times in my life.  It was an act.  I was putting on a brave front pretending I was happy in my skin and with my life.  I know now, I was not happy.  I know this by how I feel now.  People say I have a glow about me.  I think they are right.  I am certainly in a euphoric state of mind.  Things happen around me that are fairly shitty but I'm not letting anything burst my bubble. Ask me about my finances and I'll shrug my shoulders and tell you that there are more important things in life than what's in the bank.

This weight loss has really put me into a state of being that I never knew I could have.  I am one pound away from 90 pounds lost.  (Hopefully my morning I will have lost that pound, lol).  90 fricking pounds!  It's mind boggling to me.  Truly.  I can breath.  I sleep without Horton, my CPAP machine. I don't mind walking.  My joints aren't swollen.  My body doesn't ache.  All of those things held me back and infringed on my quality of life.   The only thing that I can foresee will get in my way down the road, if it isn't beginning to already, it my sagging skin.  Luckily, my stomach isn't awful yet.  But it will be.  Currently, my sagging arms are something that I would like to hide and my thighs now have use for a girdle to suck me in.  However, I continually remind myself that the whole reason for the surgery was to live a longer life.  Mortality has an 89% reduction in 5 year mortality. So, not only will I live longer, I will live better!

Starting weight: 296
Current weight: 207
Total lost: 89 lbs

BMI was 50.1

BMI is now 35.5! I am still in the obese category but I getting closer to the lower category of "overweight."  I'll take it!

Wearing size 16/18 (from 24/26) and love Wal-mart Jeggings!

^^not my ass but you get the point!

Down 80!

I can't remember the last time I was this "light."  College maybe? Freshman year? It's funny how being that fat in college and weighing the same now being told I look great.  Isn't it interesting?  It's also interesting how great I feel at 215 now but how miserable I was then at the same weight.  Is it age? It it cause I got so close to 300 that 215 feels skinny?

Whatever the answers, I'm feeling on top of the world. Financial woes aside (who doesn't), I have a lot going for me right now.  I truly feel the encouragement from people around me and it's the most motivating. I know I've said it before but I truly mean it. I'm glad I did the surgery and I did it for the right reasons. To live.  Everything else that has come with it is truly icing on the cake. Quick, someone remind me what icing on a cake tastes like!

I'm doing better with ensuring I eat.  String cheese is a go to item for me, as are veggie crisps. I've also started generic protein bars now that I have a better tolerance for nuts and solids. Smarts ones has a lot of TV dinners that are high protein and low in calorie and also don't taste like freezer burn. That's a plus!  We are told not to use straws but I've been getting green tea lemonade a lot from Starbucks and I simply need the damn straw. The thing is, when I drink a tall beverage with a straw I wind up consuming more liquids throughout the day which is good for me.

http://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/why-not-to-drink-from-a-straw-after-gastric-bypass-surgery.html

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 215

81 pounds lost so far!  16 pounds to go for my Christmas goal!

Self confidence at an all time high

When I started this journey I was adamant that I was just doing it to stay alive.  I didn't care how much weight I lossed or what I would look like (other than old!) rather it was about getting off blood pressure meds.  I had no expectations of what has happened to my spirit since my belly surgery.

Where do I begin to catch you up?....

How about my physical transformation?

December 2014 vs October 2015

October 2014 vs October 2015

Until this current photo was taken, I had no real concept of how much I lost.  I saw it in my face. I saw it on the scale. This before/during photo...shit got real!

I posted this picture on FB a week ago and I cannot begin to describe the love that was bestowed on me.  I knew I was fortunate with the amazing people I have met in my life. I just didn't know how damn loved I was.  I know everyone likes a good success story and I'm honored to fulfill the newsfeed with something great! Cause you know what, what I have done is great! In choosing to share my journey, I have begun to help others that are curious to investigate surgical intervention to help in weight loss.  I have promised through and through to remain raw and honest.  I haven't held back from a single person that has asked. This was a scary decision but a decision I knew I had to make. It's not for everyone but it was for me!

Some more milestones have been achieved!

I rode on my first roller coaster in god knows how long!  Not only did i fit in the seat, I didn't have to use the wider seats at all.  I rode every ride and can't wait to ride more.  It wasn't the coasters that blew my mind, it was all the walking.  I think we walked the park a full 3 times only sitting when on a ride. I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't tired. I wasn't the fat girl who can't do anything anymore.  I now have ambition to do more physical things. Maybe a 5k? 

My self image is at an all time high.  I am enjoying my friends and family seeing my transformation and supporting me.  I haven't gotten a single look yet that made me feel uncomfortable. You know the look I'm talking about, the one sick people get, or the one you get when someone feels bad for you.  Everyone has been so extremely generous and kind.  In fact, so much so that I've been able to believe that I deserve goodness in life.  I love to look at myself in the mirror and weighing myself every day.  Its small victories really.  These victories led me back to the dating world. Currently spending time with a special guy and enjoying the getting to know you process of young relationships. At the very least, this relationship is allowing me to feel good and desirable and to top it off, believe it too.

Food update! It's cheep chicken Monday at acme where you can get an 8 piece for $6.99.  I haven't had any fried foods but I figured I could peel the skin.  I was only able to eat half a chicken breast and it barely got down. Sadly, I drank water to help get it down and got sick.  Normal problem but one I hate.  So still need to eat slow and steady.

Anywho, I now know that I want and I CAN get under 200 pounds. Can I get there by Christmas is the question?

*photo taken 4 pounds ago!!!

Starting weight 296

Current weight 221

75 pounds down!!

The journey continues...

I realize it's been a while since my last update. It's been just a mundane couple of weeks.  Weight loss slowed down a bunch but had a lot to do with lack of exercise.  

Today, I went to my final post op appt (another one in six months but just general check up) and really had to face some issues out loud.  The numbers on the scale are great! Really! 61 pounds down since my journey began. I've always said I don't have a number goal, I just want to feel good.  Well, I don't feel as good as I should.  You see, if I rest followed the program, I would be closer to 75 pounds down by now.  

Honestly, the easy part was electing for surgery and going through with it.  The hard part is still in front of me like a baracade.  I need to get around it.  In order to beat the challenge I must slow down when I eat. Even though I only get 3-4 bites of food down at a sitting, I need to really take the time to eat, chew, and digest.  Those 4 bites should take 30 minutes to consume.  I also need to get up off my ass (or lack there of) and exercise. I've been using the excuse of losing my job, selling my house, and having depression as to why I haven't been exercising.  I don't have excuses anymore. I'm back to work, I need to get serious.  I have the cutest pup in the world and he deserves to be walked and tuckered out all while I get moving!

Not all is lost however.  I have a few milestones I would like to share!

First...I can finally get my fingers to touch around my wrist.

(pardon the man hands!)

Another small victory, I can wrap a regular sized bath towel around my body!   Granted there is a little peep show happening still, but the point is I can tuck it around and it stays! Like I said, small victory but a victory none the less.

Officially, my clothes are too big. But, I will continue to wear what I have until I have an income to shop. I'm actually really excited to go to Goodwill!

For those considering surgery, I still say go for it!  It's a mental beast but worth it. I'm now on regular foods as long as I can handle things.  I still stay away from most carbs.  Pasta doesn't really go down well for me, so that's a plus.  I'm testing things out as I go.  Sadly, a slice of pineapple gave me heartburn but watermelon was awesome! I'm sticking up on different varieties of frozen dinners.  It's not ideal but as a single gal, it's cheap and practical.  Budget meals are $1 each and Lean Cuisines are like $2.50 . I select high protein ones to get my daily intake.  I also really enjoy Veggie Stix as an alternative to chips.  They give you lots of your daily veggie allowance and also a serving is huge!  Premier Protein drinks are still part of my daily routine as well.

Current weight 235

Starting weight 296

Sip, sip, sip

I'm starting to hate water. As much as I crave it, I'm really beginning to hate it.  You see, you constantly need to sip through the day.  Keep hydrated.  Keep digestion moving.  64 ounces a day.  Sounds simple, but I have no room!!  

The hardest task with liquids this far is being told you cannot drink 30 minutes before or after you eat.  I simply cannot bide by this rule.  I must have a swig of water to finalize my meal at the very least!   And when I say meal, I'm being extremely generous.  What I really mean is my quarter cup of scrambled eggs or my quarter cup of ricotta cheese mixed with some sauce to appeal to the Italian in me.

Earlier this week I started blending my vanilla protein shakes with berries to get more of a milkshake concept. This actually worked for me.  Filled me up and gave me the sense of living on the edge! Only kidding! It was tasty though!  I need to figure out more ways to be inventive. I know it's nothing new to most. We are Smoothie Nation these days.  I refuse to drink kale or spinach! No way, no how!

Earlier this week I started to try different things like fish or hard boiled eggs to get my protein.  My body did not like the egg.  I'm still on the puréed process but my nutritionist gave me the ok to eat some softer items as long as they were really small.  I pushed the envelope with that egg.  It was the second time is a week that I experienced "dumping syndrome."

http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/dumping-syndrome-causes-foods-treatments

It's been a learning process for sure.  The biggest lesson is that I need to do what the doctors tell me and not rush anything. 

The plus side, with getting real foods in me with protein, like the fish I ate yesterday, I was able to give enough energy to my body to enforce more weight loss.  You see, I wasn't getting much food in as I was full on water.  Therefore, my weight loss slowed down.  This morning, I happily woke up to 4 more pounds down!

^remember, I'm unemployed so don't judge the lack of pedi!

Current weight: 238

Starting weight: 296

Weight lossed: 58

Milestones and Two Week follow up with my Doc!

The past two weeks have presented me with many many small victories.  Victories I didn't even know I wanted. If you recall, I mentioned wanting to fit back into my ring. Victory!

Some more milestones over the past two weeks...

*Lost 50 pounds since I started my weight loss diet (was probably all the weight I gained from my food funerals!)

*There is now about five inches from my belly to the steering wheel 

*I am down two pants sizes

*My knees touch when I sleep causing me to need a pillow cause it kinda hurts 

*I can cross my legs!

The biggest achievement came today at my two week check up.  I had been really lethargic the past week.  When I stood up from laying down I would get extremely dizzy.  If I bent over to pick something up I would be dizzy when I came back up.  When at my appointment, I mentioned this and immediately the nurse said, it's my blood pressure medication.  From the rapid weight loss, taking two prescriptions isn't necessary.  My BP was 105/59. LOW!!!  So tomorrow, I won't take Losartan any more.  Then get checked in a week to see if my other medication can be lowered.  I've had high BP since I was 15 years old.  I was put on meds about two years ago. It was last year's medication increase that prompted me to seek gastric surgery.

I had posted a blog on surgery day.  In it, I had asked people to send me snail mail.  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifting it has been to hear from people from all chapters of my life.  Postcards, notes, words of wisdom, and jewelry!  I would name everyone but fear to leave someone out. If you are one of the angels to take the time to message me, THANK YOU!  What it did for my spirit is beyond measure.

^from Raymond Carter, very poetic!

^words of encouragement from the lovely Maureen Fisher

For those who are curious about how I am feeling...Great!  Getting to my 64 ounces a day has been a struggle.  My nutritionist wasn't pleased but I did better today. I still have a problem with eating too quick.  Essentially I am able to eat 4 ounces at a time but I'm eating within 5 minutes.  I need to be able to stretch it out over 30 minutes. I don't think I've ever taken that long to eat.  This will be the thorn in my side, for sure!

Starting weight 296, Current weight 243

It's my birthday! 5 days post op

I know I haven't written yet since surgery, I think I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin.  So, I'm gonna just draft out my thoughts and hope they make sense.

First of all, to anyone contemplating weight loss surgery, if you think you are mentally prepared, YOU ARE NOT!  

Second, my sister Angie is a fucking rock star!  She nourtured me my entire life and spent the entire day with me.  Fortunately, she knew what I was going through as she does has the same procedure in January. Plus, she knows how to handle all my moods. Which, as I recall from that day, I had many!!!

We reported to Penn bright and early for check in. 630am. And waited. The theme of the morning. Waiting. My sister is super talkative in the morning. I am yet to be considered a morning person.  I appreciated her chatter as it kept me from getting too inside my head.  From admin, to finally checking in with the surgical floor.  Get in surgical dressing and pee test (pregnancy). Transferred then to the pre op room where are the delightfulness awaits. It was here where I spent the most time pre surgery. 

Surgery was scheduled for 830 but didn't start until about 10am. Due to the fact that it took the anesthesiologist 40 minutes WITHOUT success to find a vein to start an IV!  6 pokes and prods by one man who really was not on top of his game.  Makes us really comfortable prior to surgery knowing this man is responsible for keeping me under!  I was so frustrated I even put my phone away, which of you know me, huge!

In came nurse Regina, surgical lead nurse in my room.  Right away, my confidence was renewed simply by her name.  Regina is a family name.  My late aunt and my late cousin on my fathers side. It is also the name of a dear friends mom who just passed a couple weeks ago. So immediately, I knew I had 3 Angels looking out for me.  Sure enough, Regina got me on the first try!  Sigh!

Checking back on my FB timeline, looks like I got the "happy juice" near 10am.  I wish I had the video cause it's flipping funny.  However, it's on my FB page if you want to see it.  That shit is good! You feel it go through your whole body and you just relax.  It wasn't long after that I was taken into surgery.  I was put under immediately! Like, move on the table. Here's everyone in the room. Now, take a deep breath. OUT!

Things start to get fuzzy from here on out in regards to timing. Again, I pull from FB for the chronology as my sister archived for me. Seems surgery was only 40 minutes. I'm pretty sure they called my sister as surgery started and then when it was over.  Not sure how long I was in recovery before they woke me up, but this I remember well.  It was awful!!!!!!! First of all, I hate being woken up with people saying my name. I like a leisurely touch and light run until I am stirring and a little coherent. The next 24 hours was "Anne Marie!"  I digress! As they woke me up, I just remember saying "Ow" over and over again and immediately realizing their was a rub down my throat.  I also felt them take it out and that was not fun either.  For the next few moments or however long it was was me just "Ow"ing  loudly.  

Next thing I know I was in my room and wondering where my sister was. She arrived shortly thereafter. From there, the afternoon was a blur of discomfort, pain, and excessive gagging. I just tried to sleep it off and my sister kept time of my medication to ensure I was given morphine and nausea meds on the regular. Did I mention she's a rock star?

Here's a little pic of what I looked like during the afternoon post surgery. I'm sure it puts it in perspective for you.

Just after 7, I was ready to get out of bed and pee!  Extra motivation was wanting my sister to go home and get some sleep but knowing she wouldn't if I wasn't walking. Walking, really helped with the pain I was having.  Most of the discomfort was from gas they inflated in my belly. In order to relieve the pressure, moving around helps. I had no issues walking around or anything. Honestly, I shocked myself that someone could undergo major surgery and get up so fast.

^notice the two gowns I'm wearing.  Before my walk, we noticed blood on my other gown.  The nurse couldn't find a bariatric gown so we used two regular gowns in order to cover all my jiggly bits.

^Squeezed out a smile while they were changing my linens and also putting an air mattress in top of the horrible hospital bed. It made all the difference.

After all the "exercise" my sister headed home, I headed back in bed. Kelly was my night nurse and she was pretty awesome!  She knew how to talk to me like a person. Great bedside manner. Very patient and understanding.  Every hour, on the hour, "Anne Marie!"  Kelly came and woke me up for med checks and another nurse came in for vitals.  Every hour! Blood pressure, temperature. Some intervals I was injected with heparin. Kelly had another adventure retrieving blood. She hit me three times before she struck gold. However, Kelly was confident. She talked me through the whole time. Something about rolling veins. 

http://www.northcoastmedicalacademy.com/learning-center/Phlebotomy-Misconceptions-Debunked.php

During one of the visits from Kelly, she asked if I was ever diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome.  As soon as she said it, I was like...lightbulb!  I had no idea what I had all my life was a condition.  I told her that I hadn't because no one has ever monitored me like this before. So, gonna chat up my doc on my next primary visit!

By 7am I had a new nurse who really tried my patience.  Other than my gagging, I was feeling ok.  I had to start drinking out of little ounce cups.  I may have gotten 4 ounces in all day.  But I didn't throw any up which was good. There were severa rotations of surgeons and nutritionist who all came in to check up on me. All great!  By 1:30 I saw my surgeon and he gave me the all clear to go home. I wasn't sure going home was super smart for me cause I was nervous to be on my own, but....with little to no real sleep all night, I just wanted uninterrupted slumber.

Phil to the rescue!  Greatest friend I've ever known came to pick me up and get me settled at home. How good a friend? He battled the traffic on 76 for me! If that ain't love, I don't know what is.  He kept Rocky one more night for me and I just slept off the meds.  It felt great.

I know I've missed some parts, but I was overdue with a recap of my stay.   I haven't taken any pain meds today.  I really don't hurt at all. I think I am lucky.  I will say, being home alone on your birthday blows!  Today has been rough.  However, great chick flicks on Lifetime today and a shitload of birthday shoutout on Facebook.  I'm a lucky lucky girl.

Things I have learned since being home...

*chewable vitamins are terrible

*Gatorade gives me heartburn

*constipation is no joke

*crushed ice cubes are a nice supplement for wanting to crunch something in your mouth 

*two ounces of jello makes me full! 

*i love getting personal mail from friends and family. It really brightens me up. Thank you to all of you who have taken a moment to send me a note or two.

Biggest takeaway is that nothing can ever prepare you for this. It's a life choice and one that isn't going to be an easy ride.  If you are considering this as an option, make sure you have a great support system and that you attack this journey with confidence.

Oh...my current weight is 253. Down 36 since prepping diet. Down 10 since surgery. Down 43 since start of journey.

Support system

A Support System is key to my recovery.

The last two weeks have been extremely overwhelming due to the outpouring of love that has been showering upon me.  I find myself gratefully emotional with every note, text, post, and picture sent my way. Today, I spent a majority tearing up with how thankful I am to have so many people care about me. The thing is, it hasn't just been my journey, it's been yours too. 

I started this blog as a way to archive the process and some of my thoughts along the way. I didn't broadcast every entry because I didn't want to be that person! (You know who I mean.) Instead, I wrote and you decided to make your way over to read as your own leisure. I hope what you came across was charming, funny, and enlightening.  Many of you have taken the time to send me a message or mentioned in passing that you are keeping up with this blog.  I have to tell you, saying that is invaluable.  

This isn't a one person journey.  I couldn't get to tomorrow's surgery without all of you.  You see, everyone needs a support system. I have never felt this loved in my entire life.  I've never been one to handle accolades or compliments very well.  For some reason, I knew that with this process, I needed to allow my heart to feel every positive thought and feeling sent my way.  Without, I would be able to have gotten to where I am.  In fact, so many people from all walks of life have reached out just to say they are proud of me. I'm taking people from college, high school, and elementary school whom I have only seen in the FB world.  

Today, I went back through my texts and my Facebook posts, I reread some blog entries, viewed some picture albums, etc.  When I open my eyes I see an audience standing on their feet in front of me, cheering me to the finish line.  I need each of you to know that I am me because of you.  I start this new life knowing that you are holding me up and carrying me across the finish line.  What's to come, I don't know. But I promise each of you that I will do my best. 

A support system like mine is how you survive! With that being said, I will need you now more than ever. In the upcoming weeks I will be on a new journey. I have been warned that post surgery you have a few days of regret.  So...I'm asking for letters! Remember those?  You know...hand written and with a stamp! I think it could be super sweet and help me through the upcoming weeks if there was a handwritten surprise in the mailbox.  If you are so inclined, it would be awesome! Of course, there is also the new way of FB and text which is also completely and utterly welcomed! It certainly would be awesome to wake up after recovery to warm wishes.  Need a topic: Share a story or memory of a time the two of us were together.

For those wanting the details:

Surgery at Pennsylvania Hospital on 8th and Spruce at 8:30am!!! I'll be in at least overnight until dinner time on Wednesday. I will have a private room! As long as I'm awake, I'll be responding to messages to keep all informed.  My sister knows to post on my wall when I'm out of surgery.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!  Here's a little Anne Marie pic to tide you over! Both of those dolls came with me to my eye surgery when I was 7 years old.  I still have the tiger pillow that's in my right hand.  Perhaps I'll bring it with me tomorrow.

Also, a video of my final chug that I posted on FB. 

https://youtu.be/0fMYMLZbzQo

Friends are like family

Being a 38 year old (at least for a few more days) single female who recently lost her job and about to undergo life changing surgery is extremely overwhelming. However, for each milestone or setback, I've always had my family to support me. Fortunately, my family extends beyond the bloodline to some amazing friends who have been a part of my life for nearly every bump and bruise.

The blurry picture above was taken last Monday night at the final, FINAL meal prior to my pre-op diet.  The handsome man is one of my oldest friends whom I met in college at Kutztown University, Phil Martucci. 

It comes of no surprise that the #1 man in my life is my father. When I first went away to college, my father would pick me up every other weekend to come home. By the time I met Phil, in 96 I believe, I no longer felt the need to have to go home all the time. Not because I didn't want to see my parents or old friends but because I had my home away from home in Phil.  

During our college years, I would spend a lot of time hanging out in Phil's dorm room smoking cigarettes, writing papers, watching Will & Grace, and playing Slingo on AOL! His room was the meeting place.  A group of us always gravitating to his room.  He always had this sense of independence and I think it was something all of us really craved! Maybe it was cause he had a car! Just kidding. 

If you know me, you are aware that I'm an emotional person.  Hard headed but full of heart.  I've battled mental health issues my whole life.  I was not medicated during college or most of adulthood. My therapy sessions always came from Phil.  He knew me.  He tried to understand me. He was and is the only person to truly ever call me on my shit where I actually listen. The amount of bullshit that he has had to endure with my life makes him an angel.  He could have run at any time. Like family, they don't. 

When I say that Phil has seen me at my worst, I mean it.  Pre Prozac, in love with a gay guy, hyperventilating, ugly cry WORST!  He had always been the person that no matter what kind of asshole friend I can be, he is there for me no questions asked.  Deep down I think that he feels he has a responsibility to take care of me. And if I'm being honest, it's the most heartwarming feeling knowing that someone can love me that much.

As I go through this weight loss journey, Phil has been one of my biggest champions.  The things he does for me are beyond measure and not something I could ever repay.  The one thing I can give him is my forever gratitude. I will forever be in his debt. I know "thanks" isn't enough.  I only hope that I can repay him for his endless generosity by getting healthy.  I know I am not alone in this.  

While I undergo surgery, my Rocky will be safe at Phil's with his partner Dave and my fur nephew and niece, Simon & Ceci. The day after surgery, Phil elected to be my person to get me home and set me up after discharge.  I couldn't be in better hands.

Don't talk to strangers? Ha!

I have a couple hours to kill before I see some friends in Heathers: The Musical tonight and decided to kill some time at IHOP.  I know it's sounds out of the norm, but it's quiet and I can eat eggs! Yes, the pancakes and four syrup options are tempting the shit out of me! 

The woman next to me heard me talking to the waiter, Howard, about egg whites and vegetables as well as if I can substitute the hash browns and fruit with a side of broccoli instead. He wasn't sure if he could do I told him it didn't matter if so.  As he left, the woman next to me, with an adorable 2 year old, chimed to me that it was crazy about not be able to get substitutions when you are paying for the items you aren't going to eat anyway. Which, she is right!  Why shouldn't people have the right to substitute for a healthier item that the restaurant has in stock? Seems like a no-brainer to me, but who am I?

The woman and I continued to talk as she heard me mention my upcoming surgery. I found myself listening to a woman 50lbs lighter than me talk about her weight struggles. Like she needed someone who understood and didn't judge.  She kept mentioning people who told her to lose weight and judging her for her size without knowing her story.  She is 41, with 5 children, and 2 grandchildren!  She isn't fat, she is a storyteller. She has lived.  Every part of her belly has a story to tell.  My story is very different then hers, but we both are sisters in obesity.  We both look at each other without judgement. 

I gave her some pointers in what I've had to do and how I've gotten to this part of my weight loss journey. I did not preach. I did not deem my way is the only way. I just shared my story. Even though my story doesn't involve 5 children and 2 grandkids, it's still a story worth something just as golden.

A few things I'm looking forward to

I've been thinking a lot lately about things that I am looking forward to with my upcoming weight loss.  I figured I would share some of them as I countdown to Tuesday's big day!

My feet!!!!

I am looking forward to many things in regards to my feet.  First and foremost, being able to see them!  I couldn't tell you what the bird's eye view of my feet is or the last time I could see them without lifting my legs.

Tieing my shoes without having to use my arms to pull up my leg, without heaving breathing, or breaking a sweat!

Shoes! I'm sure my wide width is genetic but I'm interested in how long it will take for me to be able to wear cute wedges and heels for more that 20 minutes.

^^ I would never! Lol

Crossing my legs

I'm sure it sounds trivial but it's true! I can cross my legs now but a) it doesn't look cute and b) I need to use my arm to keep my leg from dropping off the other leg.  Heck, even to be able to sit Indian style (not sure if that is PC or not) for more than a few minutes would be delightful!

Rings!

I really look forward to putting my peridot diamond ring back on my finger. Been off for some time now! More importantly, I look forward to being able to buy cheap costumer jewelry in stores that will fit me! Here's an eye opener...my ring size is 13!

Amusement parks

The time I can walk a park all day and ride all the coasters with my friends will be a major accomplishment.  (See previous post about my Hershey park trip)

Performing

One of my biggest goals is to get back on stage again.  Simply on stage as part of an ensemble is enough for me. Learn a choreographed dance and not look silly doing it.  The bigger goal is to sing in one of my cabarets. But that is a long way out!

Hot flashes

I'm five days in on my pre-op diet and the hot flashes are killing me.  No one mentioned anything about it during my nutrition classes but an old friend mentioned the "carb flu" while she was pre-op.  

http://authoritynutrition.com/5-most-common-low-carb-mistakes/

I'm actually having trouble getting to my 1000 calories every day. Actually haven't hit it yet. I am down about 20 pounds.  The past two days I've been eating food. Yup, my surgeon allows eating!!  I've noticed I want to eat more frequently when I have actual food as opposed to the shakes. I can eat a half a head of lettuce with salt and vinegar, fill up, and not even make a dent in my caloric intake for the day. Eggs have also been super filling and tasty.  

Hot flashes seem to be normal according to blogs and posts online.  Amazing what carbs and the lack there of can do to you.  I suppose this is my detox!

The Last Supper

One thing I know for sure, I know how to throw a wake for my stomach!

I had always envisioned a final soirée for my belly.  Unfortunately due to the speediness of approval to actual surgery it's too hard to plan.  However, my bestie knew how badly I wanted to go to Manayunk Brewery's brunch buffet.  ALL YOU CAN EAT BREAKFAST MEAT!  

Eric, and his husband Ray, have been with me through some tough times in my life. Fortunately, they have also been with me during some amazing times! One of which was there wedding!  A lovely day indeed.  A day in which, although at my heaviest, I felt pretty.  I want to share a couple pictures so I can remind myself, that even though fat, I wasn't miserable. And at times, I was pretty.

*makes for a good before pic 

*dont judge me by my fake tan. I tried!

*caught on camera dancing!

*my boobs were in point that night! Lol

*as close to a model as I will ever feel 

My final blow out meal wasn't brunch... Oh no.  I continued with a $100 meal at DiNardo's Seafood house just because I had to have crab legs. It was worth it. Seriously!

Still not final enough, my parents took me out tonight with all you can eat crab legs at Kildare's in Manayunk. 

These two adorable creatures have loved me for everything I am.  There isn't any love that can compare. I am reminded that every achievement and victory has always been celebrated with food, however.  How will I celebrate milestones now? A run??? 

Today, I spent meeting with my surgeon to discuss the upcoming deed.  He is so very kind and his bedside manner has been excellent. We giggled a bit but he told me very clearly that this is a forever change. He told me that he will not let me sit off recovery.  He told me that he will have me up and moving. He told me that I have to put in the work.

My Doc:

http://youtu.be/5l4yHB4l9VY

Here's a couple terrible images of me waiting for the doctor to come in to the office.  Pictures that helped me embrace the meeting with him. I am ready!

*why fat girls like pics from above

*289 pounds 

Tomorrow, I go to the nutritionist. I learn what my life is going to entail in the coming months.  I also learn if I get one more swan song before my pre-op diet.

If I don't, I thank all 289 pounds of me for  giving me 39 years of memories. For lifelong friendships. For loves learned and lost. And more importantly, giving me the reason to laugh first and often.

Food has been my friend for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, saying goodbye to a friendship outgrown is the most life changing and rewarding.

Here's to a healthier me!

The date has been set!

Normally a day at Hershey Park or any other amusement park ends the same.  Me being depressed that i can't fit comfortably on rides and super tired from all the walking.  This time it was different. On Wednesday, my company rewarded my team with an outing of our choice. Concensus was Hershey so we went.  I walked and sat outside every coaster while my team had fun. I had fun simply by knowing they got rewarded for their hard work.  I watched purses and prizes all day.  

Until the last coaster. Don't ask me the name, I don't remember!  I got the confirmation I've been waiting for.  Cigna finally approved me for surgery!!!  

 

A journey 8 months in the making is finally about to truly begin!  August 11, 2015 I will have my gastric sleeve surgery. 

The amount of support that I've received since the beginning has been remarkable. However, the Facebook "likes" that I received since the official announcement has blown my mind.

I know I shouldn't measure my worth through social media but for a single gal like me who has battled depression since childhood, it's a big pick me up.  Knowing that people through many walks of life are quietly rooting for me is enough to keep me going.  200 of you believe in me!  And now, the one person that matters most believe in me too. ME!

This new life that is coming my way is sure going to be challenging. Like my body turning into a sharpei for starters!

I mean....it's true. This is gonna happen to my body. But, what will also happen to my body is it will last.  I get to live. 

I wrote a really funny blog and then I closed the app!

Use your imagination as this was a bad idea!

Is it time to throw in the towel?

This process is taking forever!  If I'm being honest, I'm not even sure I'm ready to take the plunge.  There is no turning back for me, but damn, what am I about to do?   

Paperwork was submitted to the insurance company over 3 weeks ago.  I should have heard back from Penn a week or so ago.  I called and left 3 voicemails to the admin who handles my scheduling and no returned phone calls. So, I called the head of the bariatric program who called me back.  Seems there are 5 patients waiting for the business department at Penn to get final wording from insurance companies.  My case has been on the books the longest with no response.  I certainly hope I hear something soon because I am desperate for motivation.

Food has been winning lately.  I've been on a junk food binge and enjoying it for the ten minutes it's going in my mouth.  My body is regretting every morsel.  I'm gaining weight.  My ankles are swollen. My face has adorned another chin.  I have no energy to do anything. I should walk.  Really. I should! But I don't. I'm typing when I should be walking.  Instead I go to bed early just so I can lay in bed and sleep so the next day becomes closer to a surgery date.  Yet, each day seems further and further away!

Plus side: ate the best cheesesteak of my life from Revolution House in Old City!(wait till after summer it get it to go cause the AC in the place sucks!)

Been a long time

So it's been awhile since I posted.  In part because I haven't had any appointments/procedures and in part to hitting a rough patch.   The waiting is torture.  

I've been battling depression for most of my life but I feel like I've come face to face with it and have it under control.  Occasionally, even in medication, I run into some low patches. The last few weeks are no exception. 

If my friends are reading this, I must apologize.  Unless there is a schedule event that I'm required to attend, I've pretty much just hibernates at home.  No real desire to leave the house much. Weekends, forget it.  Home on Friday and don't leave until work on Monday. My house is a mess. My weight is teetering back and forth. It's not like o sit home and have pity parties, I just don't have a desire to do anything.  Once I'm out and about, I enjoy myself.  That "putting one foot in front of the other" concept isn't really working much for me.

I reach out for "help" in my own way. Unless depression is familiar to you, one doesn't pick up on the "asking for help" signs.  This is my journey.  It's not anyone's responsibility to understand it, or even begin to.   However, a few nights ago, a new friend reached out to me.  She and I barely know each other, but have mutual involvement at a theatre company. She had heard of my impending surgery and reached out to me. She, too, underwent the same gastric surgery last year. (She looks amazing btw!). She's been a godsend to me. They say to ensure you have a support group throughout your journey.  I'm lucky to have my family and friends, but having my new friend has been extremely helpful. No sugar coating, just matter of fact pointers.  She confirmed that the few weeks leading up to surgery had been rough for her also.  Just hearing that from someone who went through it really awakened me.  I may be "going through it" right now, but being able to understand that it's normal has been refreshing.  Her words, "take a deep breath."

So for those really taking note of the process, my paperwork has been submitted to the insurance company.  I now wait for their verdict to approve surgery.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2015/04/13-things-to-remember-when-you-love-a-person-who-has-depression/

Almost Done!

I went to Quest Diagnostics for my final bloodword for pre-cert.  It's never fun to get poked and prodded (well, depends on the night) but Annette, the nurse, was awesome and painfree.  She had to draw 7 viles of blood for an abundance of tests. I assume there will be nothing alarming coming from them.  This is really the end of the testing.  On friday, I weigh in at the doctors office. From there, I call the friendly surgical secretary who will submit to CIGNA for me in anticipation of approval.

This time next week, I will be having a final hoorah in Mexico.  My official #byebyebelly party.  I pushed my journey back just for this trip.  I know it will be worth it.

Horton Hears a Who

After a brief fling with Jacques, I decided it was time to move on.  He just didn't get me.  He suffocated me and I just needed room to breathe.  I have since moved on to what I think will be a long term relationship with Horton.

My new CPAP mask is just a nasal covering instead of a full mouth and nose mask.  I've been sleeping successfully for the past week.  I still wake up wanting to keep sleeping but I think I just love sleeping.  What has drastically changed is that I am peppy all day.  I no longer get tired.  More importantly I haven't drifted off while driving. 

Jacques Strap

My new boyfriend Jacques and I slept together for the first time last night.  As many first times go, it took some time to get comfortable and find the rhythm.  I took deep breaths, he took deeper ones.  He was aggressive at times and very clingy. Every time I rolled over, he was right there. I may not like Jacques very much, but I need him.  I think tonight I might need to ease up a little and settle in.  Trust that he has my best interest at heart. 

The envelope please.....

I received a call early Tuesday morning with the results of my sleep study, not even 24 hours after turning in the machine.  On my way into a sales meeting, one in which I was hosting and had to be on my A-game, I am told that I have severe sleep apnea.  I don't know why this hit me so hard, but it did.  I sent messages to all my closest friends. They knew I was scared. They knew I needed a little TLC. I shouldn't be surprised at something I have known for years, but I suppose I ignored the severity just like I ignored the weight gain.  Due to the extreme apnea, they were putting in an emergency order for a CPAP machine to be delivered to my home THAT DAY!

I've been hiding it for a few weeks, but the depression is certainly kicking in.  I am ready to have this surgery. I am not ready to kee hearing how unhealthy I have been and for so long.  I am resentful that my primary care physician NEVER suggested any referrals to other medical professionals.  Why was it me who walked in and said that I wanted gastric surgery? Why did my doctor never suggest it?  I am angry and resentful. 

After my world came crashing down a few years ago I starting getting medical treatment for depression as well as ensuring my health was in tact.   Blood word was ordered and reviewed and my doctor mentioned to lower my carbs.  That's it!  When an obese women walks into a doctors office and says I'm looking to you to ensure I'm ok, you refer them to get checked out from a cardiologist and pulmanologist. You ask them, any trouble sleeping? When they tell you yes, you suggest a sleep study.  You don't send them on their way with a clean bill of health! 

My clean bill of health made me cocky. I figured this was my life.  No need to worry.  Then I had two emergency room visits within the year. Following up with my primary care physician and again, no other tests were ordered other than labs.

I am venting, I know. I digress a lot, I know.  There is a major disconnect in the healthcare system.  Primary care physicians need to encourage wellness by all avenues. Their are specialties in medicine for a reason!  I'm fat on my own. I blame no one for my illnesses and wel being.  But I certainly do believe the the health system has a responsibility to aid someone when they raise their hand and say, "Oooo, ooooo, ooooo, I have a question, please help me!"

Appt 10: Sleep Study

Got a call Monday morning telling me that my insurance (Cigna) does not cover in hospital sleep study.  However, they do cover one at home.  I was thrilled.  Initially my sleep study was set for two Seperste nights next week where I would check into the hospital and sleep over night, two nights in a row.  Even more enticing from the call I received, I could come in right away and pick up the sleep equipment.

I went down to Penn that afternoon and met with a lovely tech who showed me the monitoring apparatus. Taught me how to put it on and what to do.  That evening, I was in for a real treat.

In true Anne Marie form, I had to share a selfie!

I can normally "sleep" through anything. I'll explain the quotes later. This night, I wasn't feeling well.  I had a small headache, my stomachs was nauseated, from what I don't know.  I attempted to fall asleep around 11.  I wad unsuccessful.  That night, I couldn't even tell you if I slept at all.  It seemed I was awake every hour, uncomfortable, aware of being monitored, and just plain ill.  By 7am the pulse monitor battery was dead and I took that as my sign to remove the rest of the equipment.  At that point, I went back to sleep for an uninterrupted, and what seemed heavenly, two hours.

I dropped off the machine back to Prnn on my way to work.  I wanted to tell the tech about my night but there wasn't anyone to speak with.  I was told they would read the monitor and be in touch.

The rest of the day I was lethargic and feeling like I was getting the flu or something.  It was brought to my attention by a friend that I seem to feel this way after every visit to the hospital.  Perhaps he is right.  I mean, I got the flu shot, but I do always feel sickly after leaving that environment.

The results of the sleep study are not surprising but severe.

Appt #9 FROM HELL!

I was scared of this test when I was 21 and it hadn't changed at 38.  When I called to make my appointment for my esophageal manometry, the woman on the phone told me I would be under anesthesia.  SHE LIED!  Luckily I had the heads up the day prior from my appointment reminder.

The lucky day was last thursday.  Couldn't eat or drink from midnight the night before.  And with the amount of water I've been consuming lately, that was a struggle! This appointment was at HUP (Hospital at University of Penn).  No disrespect to anyone I know who may work there, but the environment sucks.  I am more than certain my HIPAA rights were violated.  I had no choice but to go to that facility.  Fortunately, my nurse Robin was delightful.

When I got into the room, I told Robin very clearly that I was not happy about the procedure and my blood pressure proved it. I was sky high and worse cause I couldn't take my meds that morning.  She explained to me what the procedure was and that it should take less than 10 minutes.  I settled a little until I turn to my left and saw the elephant sized tube that was going to be inserted up my nose!

So it may not be elephant sized, but that shit is thick!  She gave me some liquid to snort up my nose to help numb the passageway.  Unfortunately, I have never been much of a snorter so it was difficult for me to injest.  After a minute she went to go in my left nostril but had difficulty because there was so much fluid that I hadn't injested.  So she went in the right one. I cannot even describe how uncomfortable it was.  I gagged the entire time and tried to regurgitate it back up. Tears streaming down my face and cheeks red of embarrassment.  Just as I begin to breathe, the computer that is monitoring the test CRASHES!

In what fer like forever for the PC to reboot, Robin allowed me to take a selfie!

See that joy in my face????

Procedure lasted another 15 minutes. Some sipping of water, some deep breathes, and the promise to not breathe in between and the test was done. Pulling that elephant out of my nose was no treat either!

The next two nights my throat hurt like a bitch.  On the plus side, I never breathed better!

Appt #8: Another place to make you feel young

I am quickly learning how unhealthy I truly am by the other patients in waiting rooms having 30 years on me!

Went to the Pulmanologist on Tuesday for a consultation regarding sleep apnea.  A consult we all knew was going to require me a sleep consult but gotta nickle and dime you by having "consults".  This doc is old school.  The charts he had on me from the computer he has to write down in a file.  Defeats the purpose of online charting but you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  He took his time writing down notes that I just happened to snap a pic of him.  #nooneissafeinthepresenceofmyiphone

Lungs are open. Heart is fine. Nasal passages are clear. Sleep patterns assessed. Questions asked and answered.  So the verdict is... I need a sleep study and my insurance doesn't cover it at home. So, I have to spend two consecutive nights at the study clinic.  This sealed my fate that I will not be having this surgery any time soon.  Looks like May is my new target date.  I am okay with it.

I think the biggest thing that I have learned is how truly unhealthy I am.  And all these procedures are going to assist me in the greater scheme.  I just wish I did all of these things sooner.  To think I am going to be able to breathe at night and that my snoring will subside is miraculous.  Do you know the last time I let a gentleman caller spend the night???? That's right, never!

Appt #7: Do you have conversations with anyone that perhaps other people can't see or hear?

Ah, the joys of a couch!  Indeed one of my favorite places of all time. However, when it come to brain shrinking, might not be the best place to be. I kid.  Going to the psychiatrist wasn't so bad.  I had been to therapy before and it was no different. Well...

So this specific appointment is required but not covered by my insurance. I had to pay $275 up front to get Psychiatric clearance.  I have to say, I felt jipped right off the bat.  I was marginally excited about seeing a real psychiatrist for the first time. I was less than thrilled that I was seeing a student intern by the name of Emily Wu.  I am in full support of teaching hospitals and welcome any and all students to learn from my medical charts, but darn it, I wanted the real thing!

I spent my morning filling out a 30 page survey on the history of my obesity.  I had to chart my weight from the age of 5 in five year increments along with full body diagrams.  I had to answer questions about my family and their weight.  I had to reflect on "reasons I could have gained weight" that made me face some things in my past that I didn't really want to reflect on.  Such as, my "break-up" with a dear friend (or two) and my historic two month battle with Chantix. Elissa reviewed all these materials just before meeting with me.  This was very much a clinical appointment.  She continued to ask me questions about me, my life with food, my diet, etc.  She was most concerned for my eating habits and how I can go all day without eating.  I used the word binge eat at night and learned that binging is something completely different and more damaging, especially in psychology. I am an over-eater.  That was easy!

Some of my favorite questions from the session...

Do you eat and find yourself unable to stop yourself?
Do you have guilt or sadness after eating?
Do you have conversations with anyone that perhaps other people can't see or hear? I laughed so hard at this question because she was so serious!

Elissa is a very text book soon-to-be doctor.  She isn't really natural at talking.  She does well, though, at telling you her clinical determinations.  I say that because she has cleared me for surgery.  My mental health is in tact. Thank you Prozac!!!  (I should mention, she seemed concerned I was on Prozac and didn't quite take my word for it in regards to taking 20 mgs daily. She asked for my Primary Doc info to verify. She did make one recommendation that will be on my chart, and that is to speak at length with my nutritionist on eating every two hours, which at this point is my biggest weakness.  I am still overeating at nighttime, just with healthier foods.

Appt #5 and #6: Keep up the good work!

Tuesday night I went to a Bariatric Support Group (appt #5) meeting at Penn.  It was more interesting then I expected it to be.  I was in a room with about 20 people, half pre-op and half post-op.  It was amazing to see women who were like me, under a year out of surgery who look "normal".  Most every post op patient shed 100 pounds in a year.  That is a crazy thought to me but also exhilarating.  When I looked around the room, I saw life.  (Except for the one diabetic who was having major trouble grasping the surgery and how it would effect her diabetes. I'm pretty sure we were all guests to HER meeting.)

During the class, I realized that I was to have scheduled 2 other weight management consults prior to leaving the office.  So I called the support secretary yesterday morning to discuss what my options were.  I am clearly anxious to have this surgery sooner rather than later.  Turns out, the Weight Management courses book up quickly and they are only once a month.  So the likelihood of getting into a February class was slim to none and for March, I would have to cross my fingers.  With that in mind, the thoughts of not being done all of this pre-work until June was killing me.  Luckily, Shanella (the sound of her name makes me crave Nutella), the secretary, was able to tell me that my primary physician could use the weight management sheets and submit instead.  That was awesome!

As soon as I hung up the phone, I called my doctors office and had an appointment (appts #6) first thing this morning.  When I got there, it was a pain in the ass.  My doctor's office doesn't accept emails so I was having trouble getting the weight management form into my doctors hands.  The Penn Medicine App came in handy!  I screen shot the form and submitted on My Chart through the App.  I was back in business.

First stop... the scale.  DUN-DUN-DUN!  Official verdict, down 11 lbs since the infamous cardiology appt.  Thank God!!!  Vitals were good, BP was actually down for a change which was nice to hear as well.  Dr. Tressle reviewed the material.  Was a bit taken aback that she had to fill out this form, but she was kind enough to do it for me.  Pleasantly, she was happy with my progress and told me to keep up the good work.  My assignment for next visit it to up my exercise (which means start) and to keep a food journal.

Since my food funeral, I changed the foods I am eating so I am more cautious.  I am still a binge/overeater but I've cut out bread and potatoes, stopped soda completely, increased green veggie intake to daily, and only drink water.  11 pounds in two weeks with just awareness of what I was putting in has been amazing!

Next week, the SHRINK!

Another day, another appointment

Results are in from last's week Echocardiogram. I haven't heard from the cardiologist but seems my report lines up with my high blood pressure.  So it would seem this will not interfere with my surgery clearance.  I hope!  If you are a doctor, here's the conclusions:

However you read it, you probably think the same as me.  Get your surgery on, girl!  The effects of this surgery should dramatically decrease my blood pressure and reduce the change of stroke or heart disease.  I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of not living.  This is my chance to start a life.  Participate with my friends.  No more excuses as to why I can't do something cause my fat ass won't allow me to.

Tonight, I attend a Support Group for people who are undergoing, or have undergone bariatric surgery.  It's a two hour session.  I am excited to go.  I have a few questions that pertain to expectations and scheduling.  I am more than ready to have this surgery and get it over with.

I've got a few more appointments lined up which may lead to a few more.  Such as meeting the pulmanologist that may require me to have a sleep study.  I'm positive that will happen.  The follow up to my original GI testing with the mamometry. The Shrink! The dietician. And then..... hopefully my clearances are done!

Weigh in: 279.  Down 15 pounds from that every shocking weigh in a couple weeks ago.

There's a joke in here somewhere!

After getting felt up on Wednesday, I came home for a work from home day due to the major storm we had coming (that never came.)  While doing some reports, I got a message on my Penn Medicine app.  Did I mention how I love this app?  Anyway, the message was a response to my testing from last week's Upper GI.

Hopefully, you can read this....

Remember when I said I was scared about having a tube go down my throat? Yeah, well, guess what. This Esophageal Manometry is just that! 

A slow swallower and may gag?  Yup.  You can take it from there!

Appt #4: Echocardiogram

Nothing like getting felt up first thing in the morning!

Just got back from an Echocardiogram. My cardiologist ordered this after last week's appointment due to my high blood pressure.  Even though he would clear me for surgery, he wanted to cover all bases.

At 38, single, and no kids, you often grapple with getting older.  Thinking that most of your life is already behind you.  If you want to feel young, sit in the waiting room at the cardiologist's office and look around at the others waiting.  I AM YOUNG!  There is hope for me yet! And with this surgery, I hope to live as long as those I was sitting next to in the waiting room.

Have you ever gone and gotten a massage?  My experience today was oddly similar.  Benjamin was my sonogram tech and was quite lovely.  He brought me back to the room and said he would give me a moment to undress and put on the necesarry robe and to cover up with a towel.  As he left the room to give me privacy, he turned out the lights.  It was then that I realized the tranquil music he had playing, reminiscent of Enya, whom I loved back in the day.  When he came back in, I was lying on the table with my towel covering up my girls.  It was so peaceful that I could have napped.  With the pressure of the sonogram stick on my chest, it felt like a frontal massage. Just a little pressure but nothing crazy. Only uncomfortable moment was lifting my breast to so the sonogram from underneath.  By uncomfortable, I mean, I wasn't expecting it..  But all in all, it was actually a lovely experience.  

Before I left, I snuck in a couple pics...

I've been a bit hoarse the past couple of days so last night I went to bed with a Vicks Vaporizer.  I had some trouble falling to sleep at first.  Tonight, I will play some Enya and see if that puts me down quicker. Worked today!