Are you scared?

People keep asking me if I am scared to have surgery.  My answer is always that I am not scared of the surgery.  I do have fear.  It's not the going under the knife, the absence of food as I know it, or the exercise I must begin to do.  What scares me the most is being THIN!  

Most people who are successful with this route lose up to half of their body weight.  A 150 lb person is thin to me.  Who will I be? How will I think? What will I look like? Will my personality change? Will I be less funny? I've only ever been fat.  I know this me.  Being fat is who I am.  

Last year, I fell in love with myself.  I finally started to enjoy who I was as a person.  I am rough around the edges and I often speak too honestly, but at the core I am a good human being.  It took me awhile to realize that.  I learned that I didn't care about my weight, I cared about how I felt.  I had tried a product that really did well for me. Plexus.  Was an easy product to use and I dropped a ton of weight.  However, I got so obsessed with hydration that I got water poisoning.  It hurt so bad. Like nothing I had ever felt before.  Literally felt like my kidneys would explode.  My mouth tasted like rusted metal.  I couldn't go 20 minutes without having to go the bathroom.  My body shut down for 24 hours.  After that, I never bounced back. Plexus needs water to keep working and I was afraid to drink.  But I loved who I became.  I was 245 pounds and happy.

So if you've been following my posts, you would know I gained 50 pounds in a year.  I'm not afraid to lose 50 pounds, which will happen pretty quickly post surgery, but I am afraid to lose 100.  A 200 pound person?  I can't even remember being that "light."