The journey continues...

I realize it's been a while since my last update. It's been just a mundane couple of weeks.  Weight loss slowed down a bunch but had a lot to do with lack of exercise.  

Today, I went to my final post op appt (another one in six months but just general check up) and really had to face some issues out loud.  The numbers on the scale are great! Really! 61 pounds down since my journey began. I've always said I don't have a number goal, I just want to feel good.  Well, I don't feel as good as I should.  You see, if I rest followed the program, I would be closer to 75 pounds down by now.  

Honestly, the easy part was electing for surgery and going through with it.  The hard part is still in front of me like a baracade.  I need to get around it.  In order to beat the challenge I must slow down when I eat. Even though I only get 3-4 bites of food down at a sitting, I need to really take the time to eat, chew, and digest.  Those 4 bites should take 30 minutes to consume.  I also need to get up off my ass (or lack there of) and exercise. I've been using the excuse of losing my job, selling my house, and having depression as to why I haven't been exercising.  I don't have excuses anymore. I'm back to work, I need to get serious.  I have the cutest pup in the world and he deserves to be walked and tuckered out all while I get moving!

Not all is lost however.  I have a few milestones I would like to share!

First...I can finally get my fingers to touch around my wrist.

(pardon the man hands!)

Another small victory, I can wrap a regular sized bath towel around my body!   Granted there is a little peep show happening still, but the point is I can tuck it around and it stays! Like I said, small victory but a victory none the less.

Officially, my clothes are too big. But, I will continue to wear what I have until I have an income to shop. I'm actually really excited to go to Goodwill!

For those considering surgery, I still say go for it!  It's a mental beast but worth it. I'm now on regular foods as long as I can handle things.  I still stay away from most carbs.  Pasta doesn't really go down well for me, so that's a plus.  I'm testing things out as I go.  Sadly, a slice of pineapple gave me heartburn but watermelon was awesome! I'm sticking up on different varieties of frozen dinners.  It's not ideal but as a single gal, it's cheap and practical.  Budget meals are $1 each and Lean Cuisines are like $2.50 . I select high protein ones to get my daily intake.  I also really enjoy Veggie Stix as an alternative to chips.  They give you lots of your daily veggie allowance and also a serving is huge!  Premier Protein drinks are still part of my daily routine as well.

Current weight 235

Starting weight 296

Sip, sip, sip

I'm starting to hate water. As much as I crave it, I'm really beginning to hate it.  You see, you constantly need to sip through the day.  Keep hydrated.  Keep digestion moving.  64 ounces a day.  Sounds simple, but I have no room!!  

The hardest task with liquids this far is being told you cannot drink 30 minutes before or after you eat.  I simply cannot bide by this rule.  I must have a swig of water to finalize my meal at the very least!   And when I say meal, I'm being extremely generous.  What I really mean is my quarter cup of scrambled eggs or my quarter cup of ricotta cheese mixed with some sauce to appeal to the Italian in me.

Earlier this week I started blending my vanilla protein shakes with berries to get more of a milkshake concept. This actually worked for me.  Filled me up and gave me the sense of living on the edge! Only kidding! It was tasty though!  I need to figure out more ways to be inventive. I know it's nothing new to most. We are Smoothie Nation these days.  I refuse to drink kale or spinach! No way, no how!

Earlier this week I started to try different things like fish or hard boiled eggs to get my protein.  My body did not like the egg.  I'm still on the puréed process but my nutritionist gave me the ok to eat some softer items as long as they were really small.  I pushed the envelope with that egg.  It was the second time is a week that I experienced "dumping syndrome."

http://www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/dumping-syndrome-causes-foods-treatments

It's been a learning process for sure.  The biggest lesson is that I need to do what the doctors tell me and not rush anything. 

The plus side, with getting real foods in me with protein, like the fish I ate yesterday, I was able to give enough energy to my body to enforce more weight loss.  You see, I wasn't getting much food in as I was full on water.  Therefore, my weight loss slowed down.  This morning, I happily woke up to 4 more pounds down!

^remember, I'm unemployed so don't judge the lack of pedi!

Current weight: 238

Starting weight: 296

Weight lossed: 58

Milestones and Two Week follow up with my Doc!

The past two weeks have presented me with many many small victories.  Victories I didn't even know I wanted. If you recall, I mentioned wanting to fit back into my ring. Victory!

Some more milestones over the past two weeks...

*Lost 50 pounds since I started my weight loss diet (was probably all the weight I gained from my food funerals!)

*There is now about five inches from my belly to the steering wheel 

*I am down two pants sizes

*My knees touch when I sleep causing me to need a pillow cause it kinda hurts 

*I can cross my legs!

The biggest achievement came today at my two week check up.  I had been really lethargic the past week.  When I stood up from laying down I would get extremely dizzy.  If I bent over to pick something up I would be dizzy when I came back up.  When at my appointment, I mentioned this and immediately the nurse said, it's my blood pressure medication.  From the rapid weight loss, taking two prescriptions isn't necessary.  My BP was 105/59. LOW!!!  So tomorrow, I won't take Losartan any more.  Then get checked in a week to see if my other medication can be lowered.  I've had high BP since I was 15 years old.  I was put on meds about two years ago. It was last year's medication increase that prompted me to seek gastric surgery.

I had posted a blog on surgery day.  In it, I had asked people to send me snail mail.  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifting it has been to hear from people from all chapters of my life.  Postcards, notes, words of wisdom, and jewelry!  I would name everyone but fear to leave someone out. If you are one of the angels to take the time to message me, THANK YOU!  What it did for my spirit is beyond measure.

^from Raymond Carter, very poetic!

^words of encouragement from the lovely Maureen Fisher

For those who are curious about how I am feeling...Great!  Getting to my 64 ounces a day has been a struggle.  My nutritionist wasn't pleased but I did better today. I still have a problem with eating too quick.  Essentially I am able to eat 4 ounces at a time but I'm eating within 5 minutes.  I need to be able to stretch it out over 30 minutes. I don't think I've ever taken that long to eat.  This will be the thorn in my side, for sure!

Starting weight 296, Current weight 243

It's my birthday! 5 days post op

I know I haven't written yet since surgery, I think I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin.  So, I'm gonna just draft out my thoughts and hope they make sense.

First of all, to anyone contemplating weight loss surgery, if you think you are mentally prepared, YOU ARE NOT!  

Second, my sister Angie is a fucking rock star!  She nourtured me my entire life and spent the entire day with me.  Fortunately, she knew what I was going through as she does has the same procedure in January. Plus, she knows how to handle all my moods. Which, as I recall from that day, I had many!!!

We reported to Penn bright and early for check in. 630am. And waited. The theme of the morning. Waiting. My sister is super talkative in the morning. I am yet to be considered a morning person.  I appreciated her chatter as it kept me from getting too inside my head.  From admin, to finally checking in with the surgical floor.  Get in surgical dressing and pee test (pregnancy). Transferred then to the pre op room where are the delightfulness awaits. It was here where I spent the most time pre surgery. 

Surgery was scheduled for 830 but didn't start until about 10am. Due to the fact that it took the anesthesiologist 40 minutes WITHOUT success to find a vein to start an IV!  6 pokes and prods by one man who really was not on top of his game.  Makes us really comfortable prior to surgery knowing this man is responsible for keeping me under!  I was so frustrated I even put my phone away, which of you know me, huge!

In came nurse Regina, surgical lead nurse in my room.  Right away, my confidence was renewed simply by her name.  Regina is a family name.  My late aunt and my late cousin on my fathers side. It is also the name of a dear friends mom who just passed a couple weeks ago. So immediately, I knew I had 3 Angels looking out for me.  Sure enough, Regina got me on the first try!  Sigh!

Checking back on my FB timeline, looks like I got the "happy juice" near 10am.  I wish I had the video cause it's flipping funny.  However, it's on my FB page if you want to see it.  That shit is good! You feel it go through your whole body and you just relax.  It wasn't long after that I was taken into surgery.  I was put under immediately! Like, move on the table. Here's everyone in the room. Now, take a deep breath. OUT!

Things start to get fuzzy from here on out in regards to timing. Again, I pull from FB for the chronology as my sister archived for me. Seems surgery was only 40 minutes. I'm pretty sure they called my sister as surgery started and then when it was over.  Not sure how long I was in recovery before they woke me up, but this I remember well.  It was awful!!!!!!! First of all, I hate being woken up with people saying my name. I like a leisurely touch and light run until I am stirring and a little coherent. The next 24 hours was "Anne Marie!"  I digress! As they woke me up, I just remember saying "Ow" over and over again and immediately realizing their was a rub down my throat.  I also felt them take it out and that was not fun either.  For the next few moments or however long it was was me just "Ow"ing  loudly.  

Next thing I know I was in my room and wondering where my sister was. She arrived shortly thereafter. From there, the afternoon was a blur of discomfort, pain, and excessive gagging. I just tried to sleep it off and my sister kept time of my medication to ensure I was given morphine and nausea meds on the regular. Did I mention she's a rock star?

Here's a little pic of what I looked like during the afternoon post surgery. I'm sure it puts it in perspective for you.

Just after 7, I was ready to get out of bed and pee!  Extra motivation was wanting my sister to go home and get some sleep but knowing she wouldn't if I wasn't walking. Walking, really helped with the pain I was having.  Most of the discomfort was from gas they inflated in my belly. In order to relieve the pressure, moving around helps. I had no issues walking around or anything. Honestly, I shocked myself that someone could undergo major surgery and get up so fast.

^notice the two gowns I'm wearing.  Before my walk, we noticed blood on my other gown.  The nurse couldn't find a bariatric gown so we used two regular gowns in order to cover all my jiggly bits.

^Squeezed out a smile while they were changing my linens and also putting an air mattress in top of the horrible hospital bed. It made all the difference.

After all the "exercise" my sister headed home, I headed back in bed. Kelly was my night nurse and she was pretty awesome!  She knew how to talk to me like a person. Great bedside manner. Very patient and understanding.  Every hour, on the hour, "Anne Marie!"  Kelly came and woke me up for med checks and another nurse came in for vitals.  Every hour! Blood pressure, temperature. Some intervals I was injected with heparin. Kelly had another adventure retrieving blood. She hit me three times before she struck gold. However, Kelly was confident. She talked me through the whole time. Something about rolling veins. 

http://www.northcoastmedicalacademy.com/learning-center/Phlebotomy-Misconceptions-Debunked.php

During one of the visits from Kelly, she asked if I was ever diagnosed with Restless Leg Syndrome.  As soon as she said it, I was like...lightbulb!  I had no idea what I had all my life was a condition.  I told her that I hadn't because no one has ever monitored me like this before. So, gonna chat up my doc on my next primary visit!

By 7am I had a new nurse who really tried my patience.  Other than my gagging, I was feeling ok.  I had to start drinking out of little ounce cups.  I may have gotten 4 ounces in all day.  But I didn't throw any up which was good. There were severa rotations of surgeons and nutritionist who all came in to check up on me. All great!  By 1:30 I saw my surgeon and he gave me the all clear to go home. I wasn't sure going home was super smart for me cause I was nervous to be on my own, but....with little to no real sleep all night, I just wanted uninterrupted slumber.

Phil to the rescue!  Greatest friend I've ever known came to pick me up and get me settled at home. How good a friend? He battled the traffic on 76 for me! If that ain't love, I don't know what is.  He kept Rocky one more night for me and I just slept off the meds.  It felt great.

I know I've missed some parts, but I was overdue with a recap of my stay.   I haven't taken any pain meds today.  I really don't hurt at all. I think I am lucky.  I will say, being home alone on your birthday blows!  Today has been rough.  However, great chick flicks on Lifetime today and a shitload of birthday shoutout on Facebook.  I'm a lucky lucky girl.

Things I have learned since being home...

*chewable vitamins are terrible

*Gatorade gives me heartburn

*constipation is no joke

*crushed ice cubes are a nice supplement for wanting to crunch something in your mouth 

*two ounces of jello makes me full! 

*i love getting personal mail from friends and family. It really brightens me up. Thank you to all of you who have taken a moment to send me a note or two.

Biggest takeaway is that nothing can ever prepare you for this. It's a life choice and one that isn't going to be an easy ride.  If you are considering this as an option, make sure you have a great support system and that you attack this journey with confidence.

Oh...my current weight is 253. Down 36 since prepping diet. Down 10 since surgery. Down 43 since start of journey.

Support system

A Support System is key to my recovery.

The last two weeks have been extremely overwhelming due to the outpouring of love that has been showering upon me.  I find myself gratefully emotional with every note, text, post, and picture sent my way. Today, I spent a majority tearing up with how thankful I am to have so many people care about me. The thing is, it hasn't just been my journey, it's been yours too. 

I started this blog as a way to archive the process and some of my thoughts along the way. I didn't broadcast every entry because I didn't want to be that person! (You know who I mean.) Instead, I wrote and you decided to make your way over to read as your own leisure. I hope what you came across was charming, funny, and enlightening.  Many of you have taken the time to send me a message or mentioned in passing that you are keeping up with this blog.  I have to tell you, saying that is invaluable.  

This isn't a one person journey.  I couldn't get to tomorrow's surgery without all of you.  You see, everyone needs a support system. I have never felt this loved in my entire life.  I've never been one to handle accolades or compliments very well.  For some reason, I knew that with this process, I needed to allow my heart to feel every positive thought and feeling sent my way.  Without, I would be able to have gotten to where I am.  In fact, so many people from all walks of life have reached out just to say they are proud of me. I'm taking people from college, high school, and elementary school whom I have only seen in the FB world.  

Today, I went back through my texts and my Facebook posts, I reread some blog entries, viewed some picture albums, etc.  When I open my eyes I see an audience standing on their feet in front of me, cheering me to the finish line.  I need each of you to know that I am me because of you.  I start this new life knowing that you are holding me up and carrying me across the finish line.  What's to come, I don't know. But I promise each of you that I will do my best. 

A support system like mine is how you survive! With that being said, I will need you now more than ever. In the upcoming weeks I will be on a new journey. I have been warned that post surgery you have a few days of regret.  So...I'm asking for letters! Remember those?  You know...hand written and with a stamp! I think it could be super sweet and help me through the upcoming weeks if there was a handwritten surprise in the mailbox.  If you are so inclined, it would be awesome! Of course, there is also the new way of FB and text which is also completely and utterly welcomed! It certainly would be awesome to wake up after recovery to warm wishes.  Need a topic: Share a story or memory of a time the two of us were together.

For those wanting the details:

Surgery at Pennsylvania Hospital on 8th and Spruce at 8:30am!!! I'll be in at least overnight until dinner time on Wednesday. I will have a private room! As long as I'm awake, I'll be responding to messages to keep all informed.  My sister knows to post on my wall when I'm out of surgery.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!  Here's a little Anne Marie pic to tide you over! Both of those dolls came with me to my eye surgery when I was 7 years old.  I still have the tiger pillow that's in my right hand.  Perhaps I'll bring it with me tomorrow.

Also, a video of my final chug that I posted on FB. 

https://youtu.be/0fMYMLZbzQo

Friends are like family

Being a 38 year old (at least for a few more days) single female who recently lost her job and about to undergo life changing surgery is extremely overwhelming. However, for each milestone or setback, I've always had my family to support me. Fortunately, my family extends beyond the bloodline to some amazing friends who have been a part of my life for nearly every bump and bruise.

The blurry picture above was taken last Monday night at the final, FINAL meal prior to my pre-op diet.  The handsome man is one of my oldest friends whom I met in college at Kutztown University, Phil Martucci. 

It comes of no surprise that the #1 man in my life is my father. When I first went away to college, my father would pick me up every other weekend to come home. By the time I met Phil, in 96 I believe, I no longer felt the need to have to go home all the time. Not because I didn't want to see my parents or old friends but because I had my home away from home in Phil.  

During our college years, I would spend a lot of time hanging out in Phil's dorm room smoking cigarettes, writing papers, watching Will & Grace, and playing Slingo on AOL! His room was the meeting place.  A group of us always gravitating to his room.  He always had this sense of independence and I think it was something all of us really craved! Maybe it was cause he had a car! Just kidding. 

If you know me, you are aware that I'm an emotional person.  Hard headed but full of heart.  I've battled mental health issues my whole life.  I was not medicated during college or most of adulthood. My therapy sessions always came from Phil.  He knew me.  He tried to understand me. He was and is the only person to truly ever call me on my shit where I actually listen. The amount of bullshit that he has had to endure with my life makes him an angel.  He could have run at any time. Like family, they don't. 

When I say that Phil has seen me at my worst, I mean it.  Pre Prozac, in love with a gay guy, hyperventilating, ugly cry WORST!  He had always been the person that no matter what kind of asshole friend I can be, he is there for me no questions asked.  Deep down I think that he feels he has a responsibility to take care of me. And if I'm being honest, it's the most heartwarming feeling knowing that someone can love me that much.

As I go through this weight loss journey, Phil has been one of my biggest champions.  The things he does for me are beyond measure and not something I could ever repay.  The one thing I can give him is my forever gratitude. I will forever be in his debt. I know "thanks" isn't enough.  I only hope that I can repay him for his endless generosity by getting healthy.  I know I am not alone in this.  

While I undergo surgery, my Rocky will be safe at Phil's with his partner Dave and my fur nephew and niece, Simon & Ceci. The day after surgery, Phil elected to be my person to get me home and set me up after discharge.  I couldn't be in better hands.

Don't talk to strangers? Ha!

I have a couple hours to kill before I see some friends in Heathers: The Musical tonight and decided to kill some time at IHOP.  I know it's sounds out of the norm, but it's quiet and I can eat eggs! Yes, the pancakes and four syrup options are tempting the shit out of me! 

The woman next to me heard me talking to the waiter, Howard, about egg whites and vegetables as well as if I can substitute the hash browns and fruit with a side of broccoli instead. He wasn't sure if he could do I told him it didn't matter if so.  As he left, the woman next to me, with an adorable 2 year old, chimed to me that it was crazy about not be able to get substitutions when you are paying for the items you aren't going to eat anyway. Which, she is right!  Why shouldn't people have the right to substitute for a healthier item that the restaurant has in stock? Seems like a no-brainer to me, but who am I?

The woman and I continued to talk as she heard me mention my upcoming surgery. I found myself listening to a woman 50lbs lighter than me talk about her weight struggles. Like she needed someone who understood and didn't judge.  She kept mentioning people who told her to lose weight and judging her for her size without knowing her story.  She is 41, with 5 children, and 2 grandchildren!  She isn't fat, she is a storyteller. She has lived.  Every part of her belly has a story to tell.  My story is very different then hers, but we both are sisters in obesity.  We both look at each other without judgement. 

I gave her some pointers in what I've had to do and how I've gotten to this part of my weight loss journey. I did not preach. I did not deem my way is the only way. I just shared my story. Even though my story doesn't involve 5 children and 2 grandkids, it's still a story worth something just as golden.