The Cheese Stands Alone (7 Months Post Op Visit)

Today was probably the toughest day I have had in this whole journey.  I'm not sure what's going on with me emotionally but it came to a head today.  An eruption of tears the entire day.  209 lbs.  that is was I weighed in.  I knew it would be 5 lbs higher than at home, but still!

I had my follow up appointment today with my surgeon.  Or so I thought.  He wasn't there. Actually, the entire time of my year long journey, I think I was with Dr. Wernsing a total of 60 minutes.  And that includes the 45 minutes he did my surgery.   No joke. With my emotions being the way they've been, I really needed his support today.  I know he really is just a businessman doing his job, but he is the magician that got me here.  I guess it's not a big deal, but it felt like the patriarch wasn't at family dinner. And where I come from, my Pop is everything.

My appointment today was spent mostly with my nutritionist.  It was the most eye opening meeting I have had to date.  I've posted on several occasions my new indulgences: string cheese and Veggie Stix.  Today, I was slapped with some facts.  My string cheese "addiction' has contributed to an unhealthy increase in my B12 levels.  Although I don't have to cut out cheese, I do have to reduce my intake.  I can have my 2 in the morning with my cup of coffee.  Yes, a strange breakfast indeed.

My crack for the past few months also needs to take a hike.  Veggie Stix. They aren't vegetables! Instead, I need to actually start eating raw veggies like carrots, cucumbers, and celery.  As much as I've indulged in Veggie Stix, what I learned was that it was a replacement for my previous binge eating pre-surgery.  If you've hung out with me over the past few months, you wouldn't have seen me without a bag of them.  I was even gifted a case of individual snack bags from my bestie cause he knew I loved them so much. Nicole, my nutritionist, actually told me that I was sabotaging myself by eating them.  I woke up. Right then, I woke up.  That word.  "Sabotage." It stings.  Now, am I cured? Absolutely not.  But it was then that I realized, I am not any better than I was pre-op.  The euphoria has worn off.  And as reality set in, my old demons came back.  Food is still my addiction.  It just changed.  I can't eat anything like I used to, but I'm still putting in food in excess.  Nicole is truly great at what she does.  She is real with me.  Doesn't preach.  Throws the ball back in my court to take responsibility for my results.

Good news: my BP is normal, my triglycerides are normal, my iron is normal.  Three things that were killing me before.

Why the tears today?  I don't know.  I will be seeing my primary and talking that out.  Maybe I need a meds adjustment to start.  Nicole also suggested I seek a therapist to try and help me re-wire my brain.  Help me address some outstanding issues I have with food and exercise and MEN.   I should write a separate blog just for that!  I think the biggest thing that got the river flowing today was feeling like I failed myself.  I had been on such a good path and things just halted. Realizing that it was my fault from how I was eating really took a toll on me.

I know this post is a bit dis-jointed but I needed to jot shit down from today.  I do know that I have people out there following this blog and taking their own weight loss journey.  I promised to always be real.  So, a couple tidbits of advice that I can give now that I know what I know...
*Go to your nutritionist classes pre-surgery and don't cheat like I did.
*Visit your primary frequently to keep your meds in check.
*Don't replace one food addiction with another.  Follow the post-op diet!
*Don't date unavailable men!  (Sneaked that one in there!)

I can say for certain the Retail Therapy is real and it helps!  After my tear-jerker of a day, I went and got a bunch of new clothes that I can't wait to sport with my 90 less pounds body.

I would also like to thank the many wonderful people who sensed my disappointment today and reached out via text or post.  Your kindness was felt today.  I can honestly say that I'm on the up and up.  I think I needed today.  I had to be checked, ya know?  I am humbled to still be me.  I also know that old me that's reared her head, I didn't miss.  I'm very much interested in finding happy all the time Anne Marie again.  She was cool as shit!

6 month check up tomorrow!

Haven't been to the doctor in 6 months (7 months post op).  I'm just as nervous as I was the night before surgery.

I don't really know what I'm reading, but my blood work came back today.  Just in time for tomorrow's appointment.  And although I don't know what I'm reading, everything is in the normal range.

I'm normal!!!

Other than Iron, I think everything looks ok, right????  Well, tomorrow I find out for sure by the professionals! 

Sadly, I have to get on the scale.  I know I'm gonna be bummed with my number.  At home, I'm 202. 4 lbs higher than my lightest reporting. I really wanted to be 100 down by this appointment. Their scale is always 5 lbs higher than mine. So I assume I'll weigh in around 208.

Just got myself a Fitbit.  Also got myself a puppy sling so I can carry the mutt around.  Hoping I get some motivation to be outside.  Start walking. Doing activities.  I just know I'm at a standstill. 

7 months post op and the euphoria has gone.  I'm not in the happy bubble anymore.  I enjoy getting dressed in new clothes.  I still look at my body for any new changes. But that crazy, giddy girl that I was falling in love with seems to have gone.  I'm thinking its time to go to a group session for post op patients. Get some perspective.  I'm ok that I'm not losing weight. I never did it for the number.  I did it to live. But that "alive" feeling that I had several months post surgery isn't really here anymore.  I'm not sure if it's a post op thing or simply a "I'm almost 40" thing.  I kinda think it's more of the latter.

The advice I can give my "readers" about to go through this life change, stay busy. I think I had such distractions post op that got me through and kept me mentally feeling great.  Now, I'm done working on my passion project. I'm in a job that isn't fulfilling me like it used to. And I'm dating men that are still terrible for me. On top of that, single, no kids, and about to lose my house.  Hence, why I desperately want that euphoria back!

Unlike my other posts, this is kind of a downer.  But believe me, I'm better off now than a year ago.  There is only going up (or down on the scale) from here! 

One thing that nearly 100 pound weight loss has done for me...I'm getting back on stage.  For one night only, I'm gonna sing with a couple friends in a cabaret for a company that I own!  Is this for real??? Been 5 years since I've been on stage and even then it was a fluke. I'm hoping that tomorrow's Doctor apportionment and Saturday cabaret give me the positive vibes that I need to get through until the big 4-0 in August.

If you're around, come be entertained by me. Either I'll sound good, or I'll screw up enough that it'll be hilarious! Entertainment indeed!

Welcome to One-derland!

Goodness.  So much time has past since my last entry. 

First of all, Happy Blogaversary!  This blog started out as a way to chronicle my journey with doctor appointments and remind me of where I came from.  It has turned out to be much more cathartic than I had every imagined.  Much like what this weight loss surgery has become as well.

The continual question I am asked is, "How do you feel?"

I feel GREAT!  I am not going to pretend that I don't have "fat girl" and "Prozac girl" days, I do.  But overall, knowing where I have come from to where I am now, I can easily say I am happy, indeed. Happiness comes in all forms, and always has.  Lately my happiness stems from falling in love with myself.  I have a very long way to go, but each and every day, I find something about myself that I like.

If you recall, one of my posts said "I didn't know I wasn't happy, until I was happy."  This is the biggest reason why I am starting to like myself.  I am so very aware of how I used to be and am even more cognizant of how I am now.  I am truly trying hard every day to be as positive of a person as I can for Anne Marie.  Little dramas are no longer life altering.  I think my quote as of late is, "It's not that deep."  If something didn't go my way before, I  would literally harp on it, gossip about it, be sad or mean about it.  Now, it's not that deep!  I find myself rooting more for the underdog instead of kicking them down.  I find myself being more rational about things.  I find myself saying, "if it makes you happy, go for it."  Who am I to get in the way of anyone's happiness.  Who am I to judge another's way of life. 

I am finding myself looking at some people, mostly obese girls, and sympathizing with them.  I so badly want to share my story with them. I know a few that I see the old me in.  They don't know they are miserable.  They don't know that their misery is affecting the people around them.  What I do know is that it's their journey and their path.  No one can make anyone look at themselves in the mirror and see what we see.

Let's talk about some real shit here. I'm 5 months post op.  Down 98 pounds.  Mentally feeling pretty great.  Physically looking my best.  Sadly, their are some consequences to rapid weight loss.  Sagging skin.  Just terrible. I am definitely dealing with vanity issues.  Inside of my thighs are highly unplesant to look at, my underarms are what I call my "bat wings", and my hair...Oh goodness, my hair!   For months now, I've been shedding a lot of hair in the shower. I knew lack of protein could lead to hair loss but I thought it wasn't that bad.  Two weeks ago I really noticed.  I had gone to get my hair cut and my stylist asked if I wanted more layers since my hair was so thin.  I laughed.  really laughed.  Me, with thin hair???  The next day, I was straightening my hair and really noticed what she was talking about.  I wasn't sure which way to part my hair to hide what was now very clear to me.  I had very thin hair in the front and quite frankly, seeing my scalp was freaking me out.  I obsessed about it all day.  I reached out to my sister who suggested a Nioxin treatment, to which I ordered immediately.  I've doubled up on Biotin every day, started using Nioxin hair care, significantly upped my protein intake, and within just a couple days noticed a difference.  The bonus to upping my protein intake is that it kick started my metabolism again. In just a few days, I had finally gotten to my goal of being under 200 pounds.  I weighed in at 199!  As a friend who underwent the same surgery said to me, "Welcome to ONE-derland."

This journey has had it's ups and downs. But mostly ups.  I have to say, I am having fun becoming a girl.  New clothes.  Wearing make-up. Taking pride in my appearance every day. Flirting. FLIRTING!  I never realized how much fun flirting can be.

Flirty eyes! (Notice the thin thin hair here)

Flirty face! (Hair is getting back to my likeness)

Not sure I call this a flirt face at all! (Thicker hair though!)

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 198

Total lost: 98 pounds 

I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy

A year ago, I sat in a room with other obese people, learning about 3 different types of bariatric procedures.  I knew going in what I needed to have done, and walked out with the appointment to meet the surgeon.  A decision that would change my life.

TimeHop is a fun app that brings back pictures, posts, and such from your social media platforms from 1-7 years ago.  This week the pictures I took from sitting in the group session popped up.  I don't think sitting in that room then hit me like it does when I see the pictures now.  Some of the information is just stunning.

Patients who have undergone Gastric Sleeve Surgery have had...
72-98% GERD resolved (THAT'S ME!)
52-92% Hypertension resolved (THAT'S ME!)
82% Cardiovascular Disease risk reduction (THAT'S ME!)
74-98% Obstructive Sleep Apnea resolved (THAT'S ME!)
55% Depression resolved (THAT'S ME!)

Also, Asthma, Urinary Incontinence, Degenerative Joint Disease, Gout, Type II Diabetes, among many others resolved!

The biggest one, the one that counts the most....QUALITY OF LIFE improved in 95% of patients. (THAT'S ME!)

I didn't know I wasn't happy until I was happy.  Seriously.  I look back a year ago at some genuinely happy times in my life.  It was an act.  I was putting on a brave front pretending I was happy in my skin and with my life.  I know now, I was not happy.  I know this by how I feel now.  People say I have a glow about me.  I think they are right.  I am certainly in a euphoric state of mind.  Things happen around me that are fairly shitty but I'm not letting anything burst my bubble. Ask me about my finances and I'll shrug my shoulders and tell you that there are more important things in life than what's in the bank.

This weight loss has really put me into a state of being that I never knew I could have.  I am one pound away from 90 pounds lost.  (Hopefully my morning I will have lost that pound, lol).  90 fricking pounds!  It's mind boggling to me.  Truly.  I can breath.  I sleep without Horton, my CPAP machine. I don't mind walking.  My joints aren't swollen.  My body doesn't ache.  All of those things held me back and infringed on my quality of life.   The only thing that I can foresee will get in my way down the road, if it isn't beginning to already, it my sagging skin.  Luckily, my stomach isn't awful yet.  But it will be.  Currently, my sagging arms are something that I would like to hide and my thighs now have use for a girdle to suck me in.  However, I continually remind myself that the whole reason for the surgery was to live a longer life.  Mortality has an 89% reduction in 5 year mortality. So, not only will I live longer, I will live better!

Starting weight: 296
Current weight: 207
Total lost: 89 lbs

BMI was 50.1

BMI is now 35.5! I am still in the obese category but I getting closer to the lower category of "overweight."  I'll take it!

Wearing size 16/18 (from 24/26) and love Wal-mart Jeggings!

^^not my ass but you get the point!

Down 80!

I can't remember the last time I was this "light."  College maybe? Freshman year? It's funny how being that fat in college and weighing the same now being told I look great.  Isn't it interesting?  It's also interesting how great I feel at 215 now but how miserable I was then at the same weight.  Is it age? It it cause I got so close to 300 that 215 feels skinny?

Whatever the answers, I'm feeling on top of the world. Financial woes aside (who doesn't), I have a lot going for me right now.  I truly feel the encouragement from people around me and it's the most motivating. I know I've said it before but I truly mean it. I'm glad I did the surgery and I did it for the right reasons. To live.  Everything else that has come with it is truly icing on the cake. Quick, someone remind me what icing on a cake tastes like!

I'm doing better with ensuring I eat.  String cheese is a go to item for me, as are veggie crisps. I've also started generic protein bars now that I have a better tolerance for nuts and solids. Smarts ones has a lot of TV dinners that are high protein and low in calorie and also don't taste like freezer burn. That's a plus!  We are told not to use straws but I've been getting green tea lemonade a lot from Starbucks and I simply need the damn straw. The thing is, when I drink a tall beverage with a straw I wind up consuming more liquids throughout the day which is good for me.

http://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/why-not-to-drink-from-a-straw-after-gastric-bypass-surgery.html

Starting weight: 296

Current weight: 215

81 pounds lost so far!  16 pounds to go for my Christmas goal!

Self confidence at an all time high

When I started this journey I was adamant that I was just doing it to stay alive.  I didn't care how much weight I lossed or what I would look like (other than old!) rather it was about getting off blood pressure meds.  I had no expectations of what has happened to my spirit since my belly surgery.

Where do I begin to catch you up?....

How about my physical transformation?

December 2014 vs October 2015

October 2014 vs October 2015

Until this current photo was taken, I had no real concept of how much I lost.  I saw it in my face. I saw it on the scale. This before/during photo...shit got real!

I posted this picture on FB a week ago and I cannot begin to describe the love that was bestowed on me.  I knew I was fortunate with the amazing people I have met in my life. I just didn't know how damn loved I was.  I know everyone likes a good success story and I'm honored to fulfill the newsfeed with something great! Cause you know what, what I have done is great! In choosing to share my journey, I have begun to help others that are curious to investigate surgical intervention to help in weight loss.  I have promised through and through to remain raw and honest.  I haven't held back from a single person that has asked. This was a scary decision but a decision I knew I had to make. It's not for everyone but it was for me!

Some more milestones have been achieved!

I rode on my first roller coaster in god knows how long!  Not only did i fit in the seat, I didn't have to use the wider seats at all.  I rode every ride and can't wait to ride more.  It wasn't the coasters that blew my mind, it was all the walking.  I think we walked the park a full 3 times only sitting when on a ride. I wasn't out of breath. I wasn't tired. I wasn't the fat girl who can't do anything anymore.  I now have ambition to do more physical things. Maybe a 5k? 

My self image is at an all time high.  I am enjoying my friends and family seeing my transformation and supporting me.  I haven't gotten a single look yet that made me feel uncomfortable. You know the look I'm talking about, the one sick people get, or the one you get when someone feels bad for you.  Everyone has been so extremely generous and kind.  In fact, so much so that I've been able to believe that I deserve goodness in life.  I love to look at myself in the mirror and weighing myself every day.  Its small victories really.  These victories led me back to the dating world. Currently spending time with a special guy and enjoying the getting to know you process of young relationships. At the very least, this relationship is allowing me to feel good and desirable and to top it off, believe it too.

Food update! It's cheep chicken Monday at acme where you can get an 8 piece for $6.99.  I haven't had any fried foods but I figured I could peel the skin.  I was only able to eat half a chicken breast and it barely got down. Sadly, I drank water to help get it down and got sick.  Normal problem but one I hate.  So still need to eat slow and steady.

Anywho, I now know that I want and I CAN get under 200 pounds. Can I get there by Christmas is the question?

*photo taken 4 pounds ago!!!

Starting weight 296

Current weight 221

75 pounds down!!

The journey continues...

I realize it's been a while since my last update. It's been just a mundane couple of weeks.  Weight loss slowed down a bunch but had a lot to do with lack of exercise.  

Today, I went to my final post op appt (another one in six months but just general check up) and really had to face some issues out loud.  The numbers on the scale are great! Really! 61 pounds down since my journey began. I've always said I don't have a number goal, I just want to feel good.  Well, I don't feel as good as I should.  You see, if I rest followed the program, I would be closer to 75 pounds down by now.  

Honestly, the easy part was electing for surgery and going through with it.  The hard part is still in front of me like a baracade.  I need to get around it.  In order to beat the challenge I must slow down when I eat. Even though I only get 3-4 bites of food down at a sitting, I need to really take the time to eat, chew, and digest.  Those 4 bites should take 30 minutes to consume.  I also need to get up off my ass (or lack there of) and exercise. I've been using the excuse of losing my job, selling my house, and having depression as to why I haven't been exercising.  I don't have excuses anymore. I'm back to work, I need to get serious.  I have the cutest pup in the world and he deserves to be walked and tuckered out all while I get moving!

Not all is lost however.  I have a few milestones I would like to share!

First...I can finally get my fingers to touch around my wrist.

(pardon the man hands!)

Another small victory, I can wrap a regular sized bath towel around my body!   Granted there is a little peep show happening still, but the point is I can tuck it around and it stays! Like I said, small victory but a victory none the less.

Officially, my clothes are too big. But, I will continue to wear what I have until I have an income to shop. I'm actually really excited to go to Goodwill!

For those considering surgery, I still say go for it!  It's a mental beast but worth it. I'm now on regular foods as long as I can handle things.  I still stay away from most carbs.  Pasta doesn't really go down well for me, so that's a plus.  I'm testing things out as I go.  Sadly, a slice of pineapple gave me heartburn but watermelon was awesome! I'm sticking up on different varieties of frozen dinners.  It's not ideal but as a single gal, it's cheap and practical.  Budget meals are $1 each and Lean Cuisines are like $2.50 . I select high protein ones to get my daily intake.  I also really enjoy Veggie Stix as an alternative to chips.  They give you lots of your daily veggie allowance and also a serving is huge!  Premier Protein drinks are still part of my daily routine as well.

Current weight 235

Starting weight 296